Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Loss of Control

"You saw me before I was born.  Everyday of my life was recorded in your book.  Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."  ~ Psalm 139:16
"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."- Job 1:21

In our grief group, we talked about the verse from Psalms that talks about everyday of our life being laid out in God's book... that we all have a predestined life span and nothing, not one thing we do can extend our lives by a second.  It was humbling to say the least.  We, as parents especially, think that we are in control.  That we should have some say in the outcomes of our children's lives.  I believed that. I have felt cheated many times that God didn't answer my prayers for Declan's life to be spared.  After talking about it in our grief group, I realize we could have had the entire world praying for Dex to live, but truly his time on earth was up and nothing was going to change that.  I have experienced panic many times since he passed away at the realization that I am not in control.... that God isn't going to seek my permission just because they are MY kids.  They are mine... I don't want to release my control, but I am grudgingly coming to terms with it... knowing he is in better hands and in greater care than I can provide has helped guide me through my darkest days.   I'm trying not to be a crazy mourning mother who is desperately seeking control... it could be easy to not let my children out of my sight or running to check on them when they sleep longer than normal or by sheltering them from life's cruel and often times hurtful reality.  I'm trying to remember the beauty that life can be.  I'm trying to remember that just one month and one day ago I lived in blissfulness at the wonders of my life and all I had been given.  I want my kids to see the world in all its glory.  I want my children to take in a beautiful day and be able to truly enjoy it instead of being scared.  I'm trying to figure out how to parent without smothering and how to move forward without being scared every second of the day that my other two children will die.  I'm trying to remember that I am not in control.  I'm trying... 

1 comment:

  1. Holle, you're an amazing mother to your children. They love, they laugh, and they have fun with their mommy & daddy. Those are the things that will get you and Nathan through each day. We love you all so much.