Thursday, March 8, 2012

A better place

'He's in a better place", I've heard a thousand times.... and I do rejoice for him because he IS in a better place, but I'm still sad for me and my family.  Since losing Declan, I have been able to see death differently...I've put a lot of thought into grieving and sorrow. I've come to the realization that my sadness is not for Declan.  It's for us... Nate, myself, Noah and Courty...the living he left behind.  It's for what we have lost.  It's for the emptiness we experience everyday. 

My heart aches thinking of living the rest of my life without Declan.  I know I will see him again, but its gut wrenching to think that could still be 50 years from now!  When I close my eyes, I see his smiling beautiful face and I'm scared that there will be a day when I don't see him.  When, after 50 years (or even 1 year), I can't remember! I know I will always remember having a son who passed away... I will probably always remember the events of February 14th vividly, I will always be able to recall the day of Dex's birth, November 18th.... BUT my fear is that I will not remember what he was like on all his other days.  The way he looked right before he would fall asleep.  How he would tighten his little lips up when he was in the bathtub.  The sound of his sweet voice.  I'm deathly scared for the day when my memories are only of his photos, instead of being of him.  When all you have left is memories its like grasping at straws to hold on to them.  

At least I know, whether I can remember or not, that I love him, that he resides in my heart.   When the day comes when memories fade, I know I will always have that... my heart will forever be intwined with his. His little fingers are intricately woven in mine for eternity.   He is flesh of my flesh and nothing can change that... not even death.   Yes, he is in a better place....and I will be holding on to Jesus with everything I have to see him there one day! 

Homesick ~ Mercy Me
Helping me cope right now... 


  1. holle...thank you a thousand times over for sharing the honesty of your heart.