We celebrated Noah's 7th birthday this weekend. It is hard to believe that he is that old already. What a blessing to have had 7 birthdays to enjoy and to give thanks for! We tried hard to make this birthday special. We wanted him to know how wonderful he is to us. We wanted him to know that even though we are going through this terrible experience, our love for him hasn't change in anyway except to be strengthened! He said his day was great... but for me it was a very emotional day. I just couldn't shake the feeling of sorrow that was ever present in the pit of my stomach! I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with confusion, anger, frustration and sadness. How could we be celebrating life when we are surrounded by death?! How could it be true that we will NEVER have a birthday to celebrate with Declan?! How could this really be our reality? Perhaps this was the first time I allowed it to sink in, perhaps it finally hit me... but I haven't felt so rotten since this happened. I felt so sick with all my sadness that I drove down to Dex's grave today. I just wanted to be near Declan... even though I KNOW he isn't there, I know he is in Heaven... I wanted to be by what was left of our sweet boy. I wanted to place my hands on his grave.... I wanted to know that his body was only a few feet from mine. It's crazy, I know. When you experience someone dying in your arms, you see how quickly life leaves our bodies and you are faced with the extremely real truth that our bodies are nothing more than shells of who we are... they are just the homes of our souls... but they are not 'us'. So I know how silly it is to want to be at the cemetery, but I wanted to be close to him anyway I could. We went as a family and while we were there, Noah had a great idea to make crosses on the dirt of Declan's grave... so we did. After spending our time with Dex, we said our good-byes and left to enjoy the day in the sun at the lake. I sat there in the sand, feeling the warmth of the sun on my back and started to remember that life is worth celebrating... even in the midst of death.