Monday, March 19, 2012

The lingering question

I was looking at the Baby Angel's website today... on there is a link called "our angels" and I clicked on it.  I should have know that looking at those precious babies would be tough on me, but I did it anyway.  Nothing breaks my heart more than looking at those beautiful children and knowing they've all passed away.  I look at those little faces and know Declan is now one of them... he's a beautiful, precious baby who is no longer here.  How unfair, how upsetting... how wrong!! Through all of those emotions I get brought back to 'Why Declan?'  'Why us?' 'Why is my child now a statistic?' I thought I had overcame that question.... I know this was not done to us. I know this was not God's doing. I know there is no answer to my questions. I know that... but the question fleets through my mind often, stinging me in the heart every chance it can.... My family was great.  We are good people.  We try to give of ourselves for the betterment of others.  We work hard to raise respectful, Christ-centered children.... WHY US!? I feel a little bit like Sally Field in the movie Steal Magnolia's...when she is at the cemetery with her girlfriends and she is screaming "WHY?!!" That is where I am at... Angry.  Hurting.  Feeling like my life is flipped upside down and inside out and wanting to know WHY.   I've been told 'day by day' and 'you'll have good days and bad days' many many times by people, I should know to expect these lows but they still rock me to my core every now and then.  A co-worker of mine told me this morning to have a "joyous Dex-filled day thinking of his beautiful smile and warm snuggles" and she is right... when I can pull myself away from the lingering question of 'why me' and focus on the wonderful memories I have with Declan, I can start seeing clearly through the dense fog of pain once again.

1 comment:

  1. I like that comment from your co-worker. Isn't it amazing the joy that Dex still brings you even tho he isn't with you on this earth right now ? What a special angel boy.