There are times when I sit and ponder recent events and wonder 'why me?'. Why not Joe Blow down the street... I've even seen families at Target and thought 'why not them?' Sounds cruel, I know. I'm not proud of those crazy thoughts and I truly wouldn't want this to happen to anyone. But I think it is just human nature to wonder 'why me'. As someone with a strong faith, 'why me' is a loaded question, it means more than just 'why me'... why did You allow this to happen... why didn't You answer my prayers... what did I do to offend You... if You love me so much, why allow me to suffer like this... It means I'm pissed off at YOU. There is clearly an anger to my questions, almost like a challenge - "You're suppose to be so good, yet nothing about losing my son was good. What's up with that God!?" Seriously... WHY ME!!?? Why Declan?! You hear all sorts of well meaning people saying, "God needed another angel." "He is in a better place." ... I know that, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck and I'm still left sitting here questioning 'why me.' What if we had prayed harder and longer... would we have ended in your favor then? What if... what if... what if... IF I could only convince my brain to stop asking me that question.
When Nate and I attended grief group on Monday night, we talked about the fact that sometimes as Christians we expect a 'free pass' at life's hardships. We think (wrongly) that we are excused from suffering, pain and hardships. We were reminded that nowhere in the Bible are we promised to be saved from living nightmares. What we are promised is that when we are at our lowest and are questioning 'why me', we are being held in God's hands... Comforted through Him. When I think about the question 'why me', I wonder if I knew the answer, would that be enough for me... would I even accept the answer? When someone ask "why me?" I don't believe they are actually seeking an explaination. For me, 'why me' is more about trying to come to terms with what has happened to me. Its my own way of validating to myself that I didn't deserve this.
At some point in our healing, I am hoping the question 'why me' will turn into 'how can I use this tragedy to help other people' 'how can I use this terrible experience to honor my son's short life?' 'how can I use this horrific event to make myself a better person?' but right now, at this moment in time... I'm still stuck at 'why me'.