Monday, March 12, 2012

The hard part...

From an outsiders perspective, I imagine thinking the day of Declan's death would have been the hardest day ever and that everything else gets easier.  Receiving the news, witnessing doctors perform CPR on our baby,  flying to children's via helicopter, getting told that IF he survives it will be "disastrous", making the decision to refrain from resuscitating his heart, determining when to stop his ventilator.... hard day.  Worse day of my life.  But looking back through the past four weeks,  I would challenge the thinking that 'the hard part is over'.   Going through the day of Declan's death, both Nate and I were on autopilot... Going through the motions and trying to maintain some level of sanity for the kids.  Decisions had to be made and Nate and I were the ones who had to make them.  Even though the day sucked, we could not allow ourselves to breakdown.  I would have rather been pulling out my own finger nails than watching my child die, but that was not in the cards for day.  Autopilot kicked in and we got through it.  Leaning on each other, Nate and I survived our day from hell.  However... the hard part is just beginning.  Leaving the hospital without our precious Declan was the first step. Walking into our house and experiencing the tremendous burden of looking at his swing, his bouncy chair, his bed... step two.  Getting the courage up to start putting some of those things away... step three.  All those steps taken during the first two weeks after Declan's passing were starting the hard part.  Now, we are out four weeks tomorrow... the day has come when there are no more cards in the mail, people have returned to their lives (as we fully expect them too!), people are, without saying it, expecting some 'normalcy' to have developed in our household  and we are left to continue our grieving journey as a family of four...supporting each other the best we can.  Now the hard part is lying in bed and looking over at where he slept and knowing he isn't there... now the hard part is washing the dishes and listening to the kids playing knowing Dex will never run and play.... now the hard part is getting to a 'normal' that doesn't include our baby boy.   One day at a time... the show must go on... I'm trying to convince myself, but I believe "the hard part" is just beginning.

1 comment:

  1. I think you hit the nail on the head, Holle. In some ways all the bustle of the 'to-do's' after a death keep you going, giving you a routine and an expectation of things to do...but when it's over there are the 'firsts'. I can't imagine it..that's all I can say. But I don't think any of us expect there to be a 'normal' for you guys for a long time- I guess there will become a new normal that you grow into eventually. Don't rush it, let the new normal find you in it's own time.