Thursday, March 15, 2012

Facing the facts

Yesterday, while I was getting my hair done, my stylist asked me about my kids.  "How are the kids doing?  Everyone doing good?" Such a simple, almost automatic question, yet it was so much more to me.... I wasn't going to lie and say the standard "their fine" statement people expect to hear, so I just sat there, looking at my hands in my lap, unable to look at her.  I was finally able to muster up the courage to shake my head and say, "no".  I couldn't hold back the tears, I couldn't find my voice.... Up until that point I had yet to have to say the words out loud to someone.  I told her, "my youngest child died."  Say that out loud five times.... it's painfully hard.  There is something to those words... once I said them out loud, any illusions of denial I was experiencing were gone. Time to face the facts.  I sat in her chair and cried.  She quickly tried to change the subject, of course she felt terrible, but it wasn't like she did anything wrong.  I just hadn't been around someone who didn't know yet.  Saying the words out loud hurt, like a punch in the gut.  It was nothing I could have prepared myself for.  I suppose it was just another slap in the face by reality and I will need to figure out how to deal with that, but it was hard. I don't want to do it again, but I know as life goes on, this is a story I will retell many times.  I am assuming I will eventually tell it without breaking down, but not right now... and that is ok! I miss my little Dex... I long for him.... I believe I always will and I know that someday I will tell our story in attempts to help other people with their journey.

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