Friday, June 1, 2012

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

I can't believe it June 1st already.  Time goes by so fast.... teachers at work are packing up their room and preparing for summer... the kids are getting excited about swimming and camping.  We've got fishing on the brain and upcoming road trips.... fun, fun, fun.  Yet reality is sitting on the side lines of my brain, waiting to weigh in on my excitement....waiting to shatter the fun with the piercing stab of truth that I'm a grieving mother... That fun is short lived...that when fun happens, so does sadness and anger and lets not forget to throw guilt in there too.  Summer was suppose to be a time of family fun with the five of us... little baby swimmers, baby hats and baby swimsuits, fat little arms covered in sunscreen....that is what it was suppose to be.  Those were the plans anyway... but clearly plans have changed.  I am trying to stop torturing myself with the 'shoulda woulda coulda's of my life.  I am trying to move on... I am not deliberately trying to wallow in self pity... but moving on is hard.  Moving on feels like forgetting... and I am not willing to forget in order to move on.  I know time will, as they say, heal these wounds... but for now I am waiting for the healing to come and we are praying daily for that... but while I wait, while the heart ache feels so fresh, I am living in a sea of shoulda, woulda, coulda's, being tossed around by the waves of emotions and longings that fill my days.   As I head to the lake tonight, as I prepare for a weekend of fun, as I prepare for the next three months of sunshine, swimming and family gatherings, I will try to hold my head up high... I will try to stay composed... I will try to take in the glory of this world and be thankful for what I do have.  I will do this, knowing all the while, that a part of me is suffering and will continue to suffer no matter what I do to 'fix' me.  I am broken and I am fine with that.... for now.


  1. Hollie, As I read through your blogs and hear your story that I know so well in my own heart, I am still at a loss of what to say. I always think that since I know what this pain feels like, that I know the right words to say to others that have lost their child. But I don't. Everyone has their own journey in finding their new normal. Just please know that I think of you often and I feel deeply for you and your family for losing your sweet and precious baby boy. His pictures are beautiful.

    1. Thanks Karen... It is so hard to know what to say or how to provide comfort to grieving parents. Nate and I are still so new in our grief, but have unfortunately met multiple families that have lost children since Declan passed away. I feel like I should know what words are comforting and what ones aren't, but as you said, each journey is different and people are in different places in their life. It's hard, but one thing I continue to take comfort in is talking to others who have lost a child or gone through an experience like ours... thank you for reaching out! :)