Wednesday, June 13, 2012

A moment in time

Our lives are filled with 'moments'... moments that you know you will never forget....when we are young it is your first kiss, a broken heart, saying good bye to dear friends as you leave for college, the sinking feeling you get when you fail at something... moments.  As we grow it is graduating college, getting your first job, standing at the alter marrying your best friend, announcing your pregnancy and the sound of your babies new cries.   Moments define people and make us who we are.  After Nate and I had Noah, we realized we had surpassed a moment we didn't even know existed... the moment when you realize there is a definite "pre baby" life and an "after baby" life... when we looked at each other and coined the phrase "BN" (before Noah) referring to situations and activities that, prior to having Noah, were important to us and no longer held any interest to either of us... When bedtime was closer to midnight than 8:30, when fashion was more than making sure I didn't have spit up on my shirt, when make-up got worn daily instead of on "special occasions", when going out for supper happened at 8 pm and lasted four hours instead of at 5 pm and lasted until 6 pm if we were feeling really 'crazy'.  Life certainly changed and would never be the way it had been BN.... but it was wonderful.  Life was full of possibilities and unexpected adventures... instead of being all about 'us' it became, for the first time, about someone else.  Parenting takes away those selfish tendencies and you realized this sweet infant in your arms is more important than you'll ever be.  Aww... those moments are precious.  As I travel down my journey of life, which includes the loss of Declan, but doesn't define who I am... I often think about the moments I had with my youngest.  The moment he was born was heart-stopping... How the two of us gazed into each others eyes after he was placed on my chest was life changing.  Twelve weeks and 3 days of amazing moments that I will remember forever...  Then there is moment I received a call from my daycare provider... Declan wasn't breathing.... a moment that would again divide my life into two... Before Declan passed and After Declan passed.  A moment that has me questioning to this day, 17 weeks later, who I am and who I will become, because I know whomever it is, it is not who I was.... this moment that has challenged me, crushed me, tried to break me and has become one of my most defining moments is a moment many people were affected by.  My memory of that terrible moment is different than anyone else's, but I am  certain you could ask any one of my friends and family about that moment and they would have a story to share.  One moment in time, felt by many.   After such a loss, you are forced to rebuild and reanalyze your life.  You are not given a choice on survival... you get up, you make yourself examine each day and you start to find new moments... some continue to be extremely the moment we decided to put some of Declan's things away, the moment we had to order his headstone, the very moment he was gone longer than he was here (10:16 pm on May 12th)... then there are moments that happen and they aren't so hard, they are worthy of a smile and a laugh... like when Courtlynn picks up small rocks and tells me they are for Declan...when she pulls the flower bud off a plant and gives it to me 'for Declan', when Noah prays for all the babies in the world and that not one more would die of SIDS, hearing Noah talk about when he goes to heaven he will teach Dex how to farm.... those moments are priceless and they make the "After Declan" part of my life worthwhile.

1 comment:

  1. YOu could have used many words to describe life after Declan..but I LOVE that you have WORTHWHILE to contrast the before. So true.