Thursday, June 14, 2012

Death's Challenge

As any one would guess, death changes a person's perspective on life.  Death challenges your ideas about the world, about your faith, about your perceptions... looking back on my life pre-death, I can say very confidently that I lived with rose colored glasses on, seeing only what I wanted to see and turning a blind eye to injustices and unfairness.  I didn't question 'the ways of the world'... I lived and presumed that good things happened to good people... done, end of story.  Then death knocked on my door, invited itself in and made itself comfy in my life.  Not to mean I am consumed with death or that I have taken up wearing black, but death has challenged me and made me question my life and my faith in ways I couldn't have imagined 4 months ago.... I'm not, in anyway, saying I am questioning my belief in GOD!  I believe whole heartedly in Him and KNOW that is where my sweet boy is... but I can't help but wonder, 'why did God allow this to happen?'  Are we born with a predetermined amount of days? If we are, it makes me question the purpose of praying for someone who is ill or praying to keep someone alive... because it wouldn't matter... and if someone, by all medical standards should die, lives, then is that a miracle? Did God extend our predetermined date of death?  A miracle to us certainly can't be a miracle to God, right?! He doesn't sit back and say "wow... that was unexpected!"  It's a lot to think about... and I think it goes without saying, but I clearly still believe in praying and I believe in the POWER of prayer... I'm just not sure I believe my prayers will extend someone else life anymore.  I just don't know what to believe... I think of all the parents who have prayed for their children to live.... how many people prayed for Dex to make it, hundreds, if not thousands... I believe 100% of the people who heard Declan was in the hospital, stopped what they were doing and prayed... and if praying for someone to live isn't helpful, what should I pray?! How should I pray?  What 'miracles' can I ask for?  Aside from that confusion, I do believe people's prayers were heard when they prayed for Delcan and my family that day and the weeks that followed... because God supported Nate and I through those dark days... we were HELD in our heavenly Fathers embrace as our hearts were broken and shattered... I believe God answered and continues to answer the prayers for my family... the miracle we experienced clearly wasn't Declan living, but was our broken hearts refusing to give up, our damaged spirits looking to the Heavens, not out of anger but for comfort! Our miracle is knowing that we will rise up from the ashes and be better and stronger than we were before... our miracle is using Declan's life to inspire and help others instead of letting his death permanently make us cynical and negative.  Our miracle is Declan. He was here only a short time... and we are better because of him.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Holle. ((hugs)) Though our boys were 16 years apart, you and I blog so much of the same stuff. I have wondered the very same things these last ten months about prayer. It is such a mystery, isn't it? I don't understand any of it. I am just relieved to know I'm not the only one with questions. More than anything, I am thankful that God is who He says He is!