Thursday, June 21, 2012

Moving Forward...whatever that means

I created a photo book with  photos from Declan's life... it was an emotionally draining project for me.  I took so much pleasure in seeing his smiling face, but at the same time it was difficult because I know I will have no more photos, I will see no new smiles, I will have no more weeks to document in his weekly shots... it's over.  His life is over.  Over.... that is hard to say.... it's difficult for me to digest, to fully take it in.  I will admit that for the first few weeks after Declan passed away I almost felt like something was going to happen to change the situation.  I was not able to accept or fully absorb what was happening. One day I was driving from one of our member districts back to my main office and I had to drive by our house in the process.  As I drove by I glanced over at our place and noticed a big box in front of our door.  I almost did a quick stop right in the middle of the road, I turned around with my heart almost in my throat... I pulled up and discovered it was Noah's birthday present... his large CAT tractor.  The disappointment weighed heavy on my shoulders.  I thought to myself, 'what did I expect? Declan to be in the box?'  That sounds crazy, but I expected something like that... I was hopeful it was a letter from the doctor saying Declan wasn't dead or that they had made a mistake or as silly as it sounds now, that Dex would have been in that box.  Each letter we received from the Children's hospital or the MN SIDS foundation those first few weeks, I tore into with such barbarous excitement because I was expecting something.  I wanted something to be different.  I wanted a different ending... Declan's life didn't end with "happily ever after" and I felt (still do if truth should be known) that he deserved something more.  He deserved to have a family and the chance to LIVE... he deserved more than 12 weeks and 4 days in this world.  In reality, I believe I am just now starting to accept the facts... I am no longer living in denial that he will come back to us in the mail or that magically someone was wrong and he's alive somewhere.   I feel like after Declan died, I was trapped in a big black hole... with a ladder that I couldn't climb at first... and now I feel like I am finally on my way up, with my head peeping out, getting ready to emerge and to start moving forward... whatever that means.  I finished his photo book, all 93 pages of it and I love it.  I cry every time I look at it and I know there will be days when it is more than I can handle... but I remind myself that pain and sorrow is simply the hearts way of acknowledging that it loved...

1 comment:

  1. The book is beautiful. What a true labor of love, Holle. The pictures of Noah just make me bawl.