Once again, I found myself on the emotional roller coaster of grief last night. Still 18 weeks later, there are moments when the hurt is so bad it's almost unbearable. Moments when I think, 'this is it... I can't continue!' There is NO predictability on this journey! As I went to bed it felt like a huge weight was on my chest... I couldn't control the emotions any longer and I broke down in Nater's arms... but then I felt like I needed to do something, so I would sit up, on the edge of the bed... but I couldn't think of what I wanted or needed to do... it is a yucky feeling... like I have lost my way and I am grasping for something to help pull me up, but I don't know what that something is. I can't figure out how to help myself when I am feeling like that. It feels lonely and even though I know where and to Whom I should turn, I seem to fumble with getting there and I rely on myself... which ends in epic failure almost every time! It is hard to remember when I am feeling rejected and abandoned that I belong to something bigger, SOMEONE more amazing than myself that can handle my feelings and help me through them. It is during those times when I am at my lowest when I need HIM the most.... when it is the most difficult to reach out.... I really wish I wasn't on this journey, I really wish my son was still here. I wish everything was different, but it isn't. I just have to continue on, going through the motions and take the bad times for what they are... bad times, plain and simple. I will not dwell on them, I will not let them define who I am, I will not allow them to get the best of me... I've got more to live for than the bad times. I've got two sets of little arms that need hugging, I have two sets of little hands that need holding, I have two sets of little lips that need kissing... I have two little hearts that need me to be strong and need me to be their mommy! Rejected and abandoned.... I don't think so.... even though I have loss greatly, I have more to be thankful for than I don't have...
Remind Me Who I Am by Jason Gray
This song feels so fitting to my life and to the times when I feel like I did last night.
I wanted to share it.