Monday, June 25, 2012

Rejected and Abandoned... maybe not

Once again, I found myself on the emotional roller coaster of grief last night.  Still 18 weeks later, there are moments when the hurt is so bad it's almost unbearable.  Moments when I think, 'this is it... I can't continue!'  There is NO predictability on this journey!  As I went to bed it felt like a huge weight was on my chest... I couldn't control the emotions any longer and I broke down in Nater's arms... but then I felt like I needed to do something, so I would sit up, on the edge of the bed... but I couldn't think of what I wanted or needed to do... it is a yucky feeling... like I have lost my way and I am grasping for something to help pull me up, but I don't know what that something is.  I can't figure out how to help myself when I am feeling like that.  It feels lonely and even though I know where and to Whom I should turn, I seem to fumble with getting there and I rely on myself... which ends in epic failure almost every time!  It is hard to remember when I am feeling rejected and abandoned that I belong to something bigger, SOMEONE more amazing than myself that can handle my feelings and help me through them.  It is during those times when I am at my lowest when I need HIM the most.... when it is the most difficult to reach out.... I really wish I wasn't on this journey, I really wish my son was still here.  I wish everything was different, but it isn't.  I just have to continue on, going through the motions and take the bad times for what they are... bad times, plain and simple.  I will not dwell on them, I will not let them define who I am, I will not allow them to get the best of me... I've got more to live for than the bad times.  I've got two sets of little arms that need hugging, I have two sets of little hands that need holding, I have two sets of little lips that need kissing... I have two little hearts that need me to be strong and need me to be their mommy! Rejected and abandoned.... I don't think so.... even though I have loss greatly, I have more to be thankful for than I don't have... 

 Remind Me Who I Am by Jason Gray
 This song feels so fitting to my life and to the times when I feel like I did last night.  
I wanted to share it.


  1. :( We were in the same boat last night, dear. ((hugs)) For me, it's the song "Busted Heart"(Hold on to Me)by For King and Country that's my current favorite. Hope to see you next week!

    1. For sure... we will be there next week! Summers get so darn busy! I will check out that song! Thanks! :)