Thursday, June 28, 2012

The LONG road to healing

There are times when I think we are healing... we are doing SO much better than we were.  Then... like I've mentioned about 1000 times already, we are hit with a wave of emotion and we are bulldozed to the ground.  I've come to believe our daily sanity is truly hanging from a thread and we are walking on egg shells to maintain some sort of normalcy.  This past week has been no different.  Courty has told me everyday, at some random time during her day, that she misses Declan.  It comes totally out of the blue, hitting me like a sledge hammer in the heart.  I can handle my pain, I can deal with my aching heart... but I have a hard time when my children hurt.  I want to protect them and take away their pain, but there is nothing I can say or do that will make the situation different... this isn't fixed with a band-aid... how do you hold a two years olds hurting heart in your hand and make it better.  YOU DON'T! I can't.  We may travel this journey together, but I can't heal her and she can't heal me... I think that is way I often feel so alone on my journey.  All of our healing takes on a look of its own... Noah grieves different than Courty... he is very quiet about it, he doesn't speak of it much.  He will pray for God to tell Declan how much we miss him and love him, but other than that I don't hear much... I see it though.  he cries super easy, he is often an emotional wreak... going from laughing to crying in a matter of seconds.  Courty speaks of Declan every day... she surrounds herself with his blankets and is always giving me things 'for Declan'.  When we go shopping she wants to buy him clothes and toys and anything she sees that she likes... "can we buy that for Declan mommy?" and then when I try to explain to her that Declan doesn't need clothes where he is at, she breaks down crying.... how do you handle that?! I'm doing my best with it... I hold her and often cry with her.  I tell her I miss him to.  I let her tell me that her toy babies are Declan... every time she gives me something for Declan, I tell her that He is going to LOVE it.  I listen to her tell stories about him and encourage her to talk about him as much as she wants.  She's two... she often surprise me or catch me off guard when she tells me she misses Dex, but she is just expressing her feelings. I don't think she knows any different... Then there is dealing with another adult.  We had an odd experience the other night.  A salesman was at our house (completely my fault, I have an inability to say NO) and he was giving us his whole sales pitch and it was good... I really wanted that vacuum! Then he came out with the price ($3000)... are you kidding me!? Anyway, we were explaining to him that we had bills we had to pay, which included our son's headstone... long story short, he made some comment about spending to much on a headstone and that when we got to heaven, our son would thank us.... or something like that. My normally sweet calm husband, was straight out of a movie crazy... he was extremely offended by the comment and had no problem telling this man so... needless to say, we didn't get the vacuum and he very quickly left our house.  I was taken aback by the whole situation and was stunned at Nate's reaction because I just thought he was doing so good... and not struggling like I was.  I realized at that moment how differently men and woman grieve and how wrong I was about how he was doing.  He isn't 'better'... just because he isn't crying on a regular basis or having unpredictable break downs like I have, doesn't mean he is 'better'.   Another example of walking the same journey, but having no idea how to help each other through... they weren't kidding when they said the road to healing wasn't going to be easy! UGH...

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