Tuesday, May 1, 2012

When there are no words

What is there to say today? There are no new words... there are no new feelings. I feel like a broken record...  I miss my son. I wish he was still here.  I wish today we were celebrating his 23rd week of life instead of his 11th week of passing.  I miss his little fingers grasping my hands.  I miss his nose and his sweet little chin.  I miss his voice... he was just starting to babble and it was a beautiful sound.  I miss his smile.  I miss his soft hairs rubbing against my face.  I miss the folds of fat on his arms. I miss his chunky legs, I miss his sweet belly button.  I miss every single thing about him. My heart aches for him.  The hole in my heart, in my life, seems to expand and contract... somedays it is so wide I can hardly function, other moments it's tolerable.  There is no predictions with grieving.  Healing takes time and doesn't always follow the path I think it should.  Healing hurts.  Loving someone so completely and passionately makes us so very vulnerable to heartache and heartbreak.... loving someone opens the door to suffering.... which stinks, but if I didn't suffer, if my heart wasn't destroyed it would mean I never loved.... and I have loved, still love and will always love Declan.  Now if only my love were enough to change something...


  1. Holle, I just now found the comment you left on my blog (www.dlcollins.blogspot.com). I just finished reading your first couple posts about Declan and I can't stop crying. I can't imagine how devastating that was for you and your family! I'm still crying as I write this...I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. I know it feels like it will never get better. I can tell you that God heals in miraculous ways and there is hope. This is a very dark road for you right now as you ache so badly to hold your sweet boy again. He will always be a part of your family. I just read a Bible verse the other day that I want to share with you, It's Psalm 31:9-10
    "Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing" Know that you can cry out to God like that and have hope in Him.

    I don't know if you're struggling through the "why" question or not, but I found Isaiah 55:8 ended up bringing me to peace about it...it says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD."....and that made me realize that it's okay if I don't understand WHY....and I don't NEED to be able to understand why God allowed it to happen. My mind is so much smaller than His, there is no way I could comprehend it.

    During the grief process I became blog-friends with Sara at http://hintzshappenings.blogspot.ca/ ...I know you will find it encouraging too. She lost her son Samuel.

    I am going to pray for you, your husband and kids. This is a hard journey but there is hope. Feel free to contact me again if you want to!

  2. Remember time heals all wounds. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday soon you will reach that point. Give time, TIME. Cry if you must grieve if you must cause all that will eventually ease your pain. Don't rush your journey of healing. Find joy in little thing and take that moment to thank your creator for small blessings. Stay strong and focused.your every plea is being heard. Keep the faith. Allow the memories to live on