Friday, May 25, 2012

The last gift...

Tonight we are heading down to see the headstone.  I can't wait.  I have ants in my pants I'm so excited! It's really strange.  I think maybe because this is new and we haven't had anything new for Declan since his baptism really.... and buying something new for him is a privilege I no longer have.  I won't be able to buy him more clothes.  I won't be able to buy the cute little shoes I see in the stores.... I have nothing left to give him except this headstone.  This is my last gift to him... the last... the last anything and everything.  It breaks my heart because it is so final now.  Not that it hasn't seemed final for 14 weeks, but I had in my head that this would be the last thing and then it would be over.  The reality is there is no "over" but "new" things have subsided and we are left with what is still here... Memories.  Heart ache.  Love.... but nothing new for my sweet Dex.  I wish I could have given him more.  I wish I had something to be excited about that wasn't my son's headstone.  He would be 6 months old now... I wish I could be sharing with you that he was sitting up on his own or starting to walk along furniture.  I wish I was telling about new teeth and baby sounds.  I wish I could have seen just once Declan put his little arms out to me to pick  him up.  There are obviously SO many things I wish we were doing... but I suppose once again I am forced to deal with the life I have been given... which makes checking out my son's headstone about as good as it can be.


  1. I totally get all of this. I was so "excited" when Carter's headstone was placed. Since I can't buy Carter clothes and toys and all of that fun stuff any more, I've decided that I will be buying new flowers and butterflies for his grave on a regular basis. It's the only thing I can buy him now and it brings me the smallest bit of joy to buy something new to take there. Thinking of you...


  2. I know... lawn ornaments and other weather resistant toys have a whole new meaning for me! Thanks for the comment.... this is so hard, but knowing we are not alone is helpful. We think of you and your family often, as well as other families we have meet over the past 15 weeks that have also been the victim of sudden unexplained infant death. Although prior to this I didn't know anyone who this happened to, I've learned there are many of us out there. Stay strong Darcy!