Monday, May 14, 2012

Feeling Cheated!

While I was shopping the other day, I walked past the baby section.  As I stared at the clothes, I noticed a little navy blue onesie that said "My first 4th of July" and I just stood there...  tears clouding my vision and getting upset that I couldn't buy it.  I realized I was angry... but there was more to it as well.... for a few weeks I've been experiencing this feeling, that comes and goes and lingers in the pit of my stomach, but I haven't been able to put my finger on it.  My first thought was that I was starting to finally 'lose it'... that I was slowly unraveling and as they say "coming undone!".  It was scary and no matter what I did, I couldn't seem to shake it... but while I was standing there at Kohl's, looking at their newly remodeled baby section and that stupid onesie, it became clear to me.... I feel CHEATED!  I feel wronged. I feel like the butt of a bad joke!  It isn't fair.  I didn't deserve this.  I want to plead with someone to change our situation... I want to grovel at the feet of God, to beg Him to give me my son back.  I want a different answer!  What does a rational person do when you know what you want isn't possible?  How do make your heart and your brain get on the same page?  How do I get passed the feelings of anger and unfairness?  I have no answers....  I am like a blind woman, walking with my arms out and my feet slowly inching out in front of me... hoping I don't fall on my face, but moving forward none the less, slowly but surely...inch by inch.  Thankfully, the 'sane' part of me continues to outsmart, outwit and out last the part of me that would like to 'lose it'... luckily, for me, God is helping me cope... He is my guiding light and is my voice of reason.  I think God understands my feelings... I believe even He thinks I've been cheated.   Once again, I am reminded that life isn't always fair... life doesn't always (or hardly ever) follow my 'plan'... I've got to figure out how to deal with the cards I've been given... to try and make the most out of our tragedy. Good golly that could take a while!


  1. Holle,
    I have been praying for you as you make your way through this journey of loss and grief. I read this blog post today and thought immediately thought of you. It is written by a mother who lost her nearly one year old daughter to cancer a few years ago. I hope you would be blessed by reading about her experience and how they continue to remember their Cora.

    God bless,
    Jill Gordon

  2. Thank you Jill... what a wonderful blog to read! What a sweet little girl she was and how strong that family is! Thanks for sharing.

  3. I remember feeling those same thoughts after our Mya died. I had such aching arms and whenever I went into a store that had a baby section, I couldn't help but gravitate towards was torture. I too felt cheated (that's a good word to describe it!) in a lot of ways. Praying for you.