Thursday, May 10, 2012

Love Wholeheartedly

I heard this song the other day, or maybe even on my way to work today... anyway, going down grief's journey makes you notice things differently than you once did.  So I was listening to this song, and the lyrics said something like "My universe will never be the same, I'm glad you came."  I am pretty sure the signer is not speaking of a child/parent relationship in this song, but like I mentioned, I hear songs differently that I once did... and all I could think about after hearing those few words was how glad I am that I had Declan.  How much more fulfilled I am because I am his mother....and as the song says, my universe will NEVER be the same.  I'm glad he was a part of my life... he has permanently changed me.  I am a better person, a better mother, a better wife because of the lessons that little boy taught me.  I wish he was still here....I would have liked more time with him, but I would NEVER trade a second I had with him for anything...nothing!  I don't want to think this happened for a reason... I don't want to think 'something good will come from it'... my son died, I didn't lose a job or go through a divorce! No matter what comes of this, it will not make Declan's death ok... HOWEVER, I am trying to look at the positive side of my life... I am trying to rise above and look to the lessons taught by losing someone so wonderful.  I'm trying, everyday I am trying... and no matter how I feel, no matter the ache, the pain... I am so thankful for the 12 weeks and 4 days I was able to love him, able to hold him, able to marvel at the wonderment of life... I am thankful for every second, every minute, every spit up, every breath, every dirty diaper, every waking hour, everyTHING I had with him!  My heart love wholeheartedly, without question and without fear of the possibility of anguish!  What a gift he was to me, continues to be to me and will always be to me!

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