Today was tough.... today we surpassed a milestone I wasn't ready to pass.... at 10:15 tonight, Declan passed away 12 weeks and 4 days ago. He was 12 weeks and 4 days old. I knew the day would come. I didn't know how I would get through it. I spent alot of the day reflecting... thinking of the moment he passed.... the room was quiet and Nate and I had made the decision to take out Dex's ventilator. He were both holding him, with Noah as close to us as he could get.... our doctor removed the tape, took out the ventilator and we just held him. We showered him with as much love as we could his last moments of life. I didn't look at anyone but Declan, Nate and Noah. We were surrounded by family and hospital staff that in our short time there became like close friends. There was no sounds beside the random sound of the heart monitor.... after a few moments Nate asked the doctor to shut off the monitor so we wouldn't have to listen, it was like a reminder of what we were losing.... The doctor watched the monitor and finally came over and did a check for herself and confirmed that he had passed away. No one moved.... the only sound was of sniffles and heartache....we stayed there, held in the moment by disbelief, shock, extreme heartache and the desire to make the moment last a lifetime.
Tonight, he has been gone longer than he was here... tonight my heart is heavy. Tomorrow is mother's day... how do you 'mother' a child who is no longer part of our world? How do I find the strength to celebrate when my heart is broken and bruised? In honor of our son's life and to help our pain, we spent a part of tonight at Dex's grave. We released floating lanterns as a way to acknowledge the day, the moment... to acknowledge his life and our heartache. It turned out amazing and was a peaceful, quiet, special way to recognize what we have loss. Afterwards, Nate and I had a moment to ourselves and had our release of pain... lots of tears, lots of 'why's' and lots of reassurance of the love we have for Declan, our other children and for each other. We will get through... we have not been left alone.... God has provided us with great friends, great family and a faith strong enough to move mountains!
Short video of our floating lanterns... thanks to my dear friend, Erica, for finding these lanterns and getting them for us!
Getting ready for send off!
Up, Up, Up they go...
Watching as they float away... here but a moment yet etched in forever