Saturday, May 5, 2012

The painful path

Today is a blah day...the skies are gray, the air is damp... we will be heading up to a bereavement service for children who passed away at Children's hospital later this morning.... the weather is fitting to my mood.  I feel yucky. I feel lonely.... which is funny because I am not alone, the kids are here, Nate is here... but I feel alone.  There are times when having your spouse with you in your grief is very comforting, but there are days like today when we aren't in the same place... and that makes grief very lonely.   To be lonely when you are surround by people is strange.  It feels different than I've ever felt.  Days like today are tough... I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to be surrounded by people and have such a heavy heart... I want to laugh, I want to play football with Noah without an constant ache... but all I really want right now is to be comforted in someone's arms... to be held while I cry, to be told it's ok.  I want relief from this pain.  I want relief from my fears.  I want to get off this roller coaster of emotions and feel like my old self again.  I want a lot of things... but what I am trying to remind myself is that going through the grieving process makes me super sensitive, makes me read into situations more than I should, I over analyze every comment, every action... I came across this Bible verse today, Job 6:2-3 "If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales! It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas - no wonder my words have been impetuous." I have to remind myself to look to Him for support... there, in the Bible, are the answers I need... but the truth is reading His word, living my life for Him... is great, but I am still pained.... but His word is where I find my hope.  His promise that I will one day see Declan again... healing with God doesn't provide a promise that the path will be pain free, just that in the end it will have been worth it.

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