Friday, July 27, 2012

What is important in life?

Today at work I decided to start working on a training presentation that I am working on and that I was going to do back in the winter until Declan's passing... anyway, I have been gathering data and was ready to start putting the information into a presentation... so I opened up the online site that I was using to design the session and I couldn't believe my eyes... it was already started and the day I had last worked on it was February 14th, 2012.  I just stared at it... I had no recollection of already having started it, but I knew I was the only one who has access to that account and it was like a flood gate was opened and I remembered that I had been working on that presentation when I got the call from my day care provider.  I had left work with that presentation still pulled up on my screen. What I sat down to work on today was exactly the same thing I was working on when Declan stopped breathing.  While I was busy putting together a presentation on personalities in the work environment, my son took his last breath... my day care provider was doing CPR on my baby and I was sitting at work, putting together a presentation that no one probably would have cared about.  It makes me stop and re-evaluate everything... what is important in life?! Not working isn't an option, but I can't help but think I should have been there.  I should have taken a longer maternity leave.  I should have been home on that Monday night earlier so I could have spent more time with him.  I should have brought him to daycare that day like I usually did... I should've, I should've, I should' mind gets crazy with "I should've"....  in reality, he should've not died and I should not have to go through this terrible journey. I haven't yet grasped that life is so painfully unfair and that I am where I am now... I was doing what I was doing the day he died... no amount of wishful thinking or "I should'ves" will change that.

I guess I can answer the question 'what is important in life?' but there is no way it will fit on one blog post... I know my kids and my family are important and when I stop to think about my career (education) I also feel passionately that it is also important and although I wish I was with Declan the moments leading up to his last breath, I know he forgives me for not being there.... now I just have to forgive myself.

1 comment:

  1. Holle...Your words are eloquent. They stay with me a long, long time. It's been a few weeks since you invited me into your life, on facebook. And busy as the summer is, I glance at facebook very randomly.

    And then one evening, I read about Declan. I did not know that you had lost him to SUID and I never went to bed that night after I'd made that realization. I kept reading and then made coffee and watched the sun come up. I must admit that I googled how to pronounce Declan's name. If I'm thinking about your little son in my mind, I need to be sure that I'm pronouncing his name correctly. I've always been one to "talk aloud" to myself and now the trees and the birds that I pass every day on my morning walk at the lake know all about "Holle and Declan."

    Yes, it's been years since you passed through the BLP but I remember you well; your easy laugh and quick smile. I meant it when I said you're amazing.

    I am so sorry Holle. I'm sorry for not having been able to find a way to offer comfort to you in these past months. I plan to be following your story in the many months to come and to always let you know that I'm listening to your words.

    Valentine's Day? On that day, I was burying my father. I'd like to think that my Dad and your Declan touched fingers that day.

    Please keep writing.