Today at work I decided to start working on a training presentation that I am working on and that I was going to do back in the winter until Declan's passing... anyway, I have been gathering data and was ready to start putting the information into a presentation... so I opened up the online site that I was using to design the session and I couldn't believe my eyes... it was already started and the day I had last worked on it was February 14th, 2012. I just stared at it... I had no recollection of already having started it, but I knew I was the only one who has access to that account and it was like a flood gate was opened and I remembered that I had been working on that presentation when I got the call from my day care provider. I had left work with that presentation still pulled up on my screen. What I sat down to work on today was exactly the same thing I was working on when Declan stopped breathing. While I was busy putting together a presentation on personalities in the work environment, my son took his last breath... my day care provider was doing CPR on my baby and I was sitting at work, putting together a presentation that no one probably would have cared about. It makes me stop and re-evaluate everything... what is important in life?! Not working isn't an option, but I can't help but think I should have been there. I should have taken a longer maternity leave. I should have been home on that Monday night earlier so I could have spent more time with him. I should have brought him to daycare that day like I usually did... I should've, I should've, I should've...my mind gets crazy with "I should've".... in reality, he should've not died and I should not have to go through this terrible journey. I haven't yet grasped that life is so painfully unfair and that I am where I am now... I was doing what I was doing the day he died... no amount of wishful thinking or "I should'ves" will change that.
I guess I can answer the question 'what is important in life?' but there is no way it will fit on one blog post... I know my kids and my family are important and when I stop to think about my career (education) I also feel passionately that it is also important and although I wish I was with Declan the moments leading up to his last breath, I know he forgives me for not being there.... now I just have to forgive myself.