Friday, July 27, 2012

Have we been forsaken?

I have struggled with understanding our situation. I have felt abandon and rejected by the world and, I guess I should be honest, God.  There are moments of anger and days when I shake my fist at Him. How could he allow this to happen?  How could he 'forsake' me like this? I don't get it and it makes me mad that he would do this to one of His believers.... but then the anger fades, which is good because being angry is exhausting, and I know that this was not God's plan... that he didn't do this to us and we certainly are not being forsaken.  The very definition of the word forsake is to be abandon and renounced and left to your own... and that isn't us.  God has not abandon us, we still are abundantly blessed with what He has given us. I still have many things to be thankful for when I lay my head down at night.  I would even go as far as to say that through our tragedy, we see the world differently than most people do... our vision is not clouded by rose colored sunglasses, or the illusion that bad things don't really happen, or that I am in control of my life... our perspectives have changed and I would say for the better.  Which isn't to say I still don't get mad or sad or darn right infuriated over losing Declan... I still can feel the burning sensation in the pit of my stomach that makes me want to punch my steering wheel (lots of drive time to think... not always a good idea) or my side window.... there are times when I think it would actually feel good to punch something really hard, to yell really loud, to release those angry feelings, but I know they would never be fully gone.  I know that they would come back.... because screaming and yelling and punching things won't bring Declan back and that is really all I want.  I am not mad often enough to dwell on those desires... I'm sad more often than mad... and being sad is different than being mad.  When I am sad I just want to cry a good cry and hold my kids as much as they will let me.  When I am sad, I can look at Declan's photos and go between moments of laughter at a memory and moments of sadness about how much I wish he were here.  I know over the past 22 weeks, God has been ever present in my life.  He has held me in His arms and comforted me when no one or nothing else could.  He has provided us with a network of support and He continues to bless with opportunities to meet new people.  He has helped me deal with the anger that comes in short burst of emotions, He has helped me forgive people who are insensitive, He has guided me through this journey so far and I know he will not forsake me now... or ever.  I have Hebrews 13:5 to remind me of that....  So yes, I get mad, I get angry... I get darn right pissed off at times at the UNFAIRNESS of losing my baby, but I get through it.  I look at my husband and my living children and I realize they need more than a crabby momma in their lives... all of us need to remember that there are still blessings worth living for... even when living is the last thing you want to do.

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