Friday, July 6, 2012

Redefining everything...including US

When you lose a child, you are forced to redefine who you are.  You have no choice but to self reflect... I've questioned everything about myself over the past 20 weeks... my faith, my beliefs, my friends, my career choice, who I am, everything.  Through that process, I realized I will never be who I was... and I am slowly accepting it and trying to tell myself the 'me' who I will become is going to be ok too and the thing is, I am on this journey alone.  No one can do it for me, no one can tell me who I should be, no one can say what is right or wrong for me and one of the hardest transitions of grief is learning how to be the 'new me' in my old relationships... including my marriage.  I feel like I hardly know myself, let alone who my husband is becoming.  Everyday we work on figuring out who the other one is for that moment.  There are so many aspects to who we are and after losing Dex, things changed... what I use to find funny no longer makes me laugh, activities I use to enjoy no longer hold the same entertainment...even things like the music I listen to is different as are the books I enjoy and movies I choose to see... and all those things can change in second with no warning.  It has been a journey for us... there are literally days when I look at Nate and think, 'who are you?' and I feel certain that I can say he has looked at me and wondered the same thing.   We've even had moments when I felt like we didn't even know what to say to each other... "soooooooo.... how was work today?" and times it was just easier to be in a different room.  There have been moments when I've told myself, 'this would be easier to do if it was just me'.... days when I just wanted to scream, "I'm done! This is over..." which has brought me to my knees in tears because that is not what I want.  Nothing could be further from the truth, but it is so hard at times.  I truly feel like we have had to redefine 'us' and what 'we' are... losing Declan has been LIFE CHANGING and life changing includes a changing relationship with your spouse.  It has taken a conscious effort to make 'us' work.  We both have had to work on apologizing more, being more accepting of mood swings and holding each others broken hearts with tender care. We know we want each other.  We know "us" is important.  We both are willing to make our relationship work and know we can do it.   Declan passed away 20 weeks ago this upcoming Tuesday... and for 20 weeks we have been redefining everything, including us.  What I know is we will come out stronger and better than we were before.  I love you Nathan, yesterday, today and for always.... IN GOOD TIMES AND IN BAD.