Yesterday it was 22 weeks... the good sign, I had to stop and do some quick counting in my head to figure out what week we were at.... maybe that means 'healing' is happening. However, I still have these feelings that getting better means forgetting and 'moving on' and I thats not what I want. I don't want to forget, I don't want to move on. Declan was my son, a part of my flesh... not a boyfriend you get over and forget... he wasn't a passing part of my life... he IS my life. I am healing and I am moving forward (not on), trying to figure out how to keep him as much a part of our family as he can be.... still trying to figure out how to parent a baby who is no longer here.... still trying to figure out what my life will look like... all while settling into this new life. I have heard the first two years are the hardest, I have heard the pain doesn't go away, but it gets manageable... I have heard after one year, the amount of support you once received from your friends and family drops significantly... it makes me realize that we have a long road ahead of us, that knowing what this journey will bring for us is uncertain. In reality I can't control anything except myself and at some point in life, I have to be ok with that. What I do know is that as time passes, the pain does become more bearable... but there are moments when it would feel better to stick a knife in your eye rather than live in the pain of the loss.... it's those moments when the world hurts that much that I have to remind myself that although Dex is gone from this earth physically, he is here. He is in my heart, now and forever. From the moment he was born he took up permeant residency inside me and through his death, it has been intensified. What I do now I do for him, because he can't. I won't let his life be forgotten. I miss him.