Thursday, July 12, 2012

Another one bites the dust

We are coming upon the 5 month anniversary of Declan's passing... it will be this Saturday, the day after my 35th birthday and his upcoming 8 month birthday (July 18th).  It seems many of our anniversary's we've had with our sweet Dex have fallen on difficult days... making it continue to feel like such a cruel joke.  We haven't had a major holiday since his passing, so I can't really speak to it, but so far, birthdays have been SO hard.  Noah's birthday was beyond difficult to get through and I found myself sitting in the dark, rocking with Dex's blanket and crying my eyes out...but not for my birthday, instead of being alone tomorrow night, I am excited to be surrounded by my dear friends who love me unconditionally and will not only let me cry, but will probably grab a blanket and cry with me!  Another 'biggy' that we have to face, but as I am learning, we have to face everyday and every holiday... even the most mundane days can sometimes feel like a 'biggy'!  However, with some pre jitters and anxiety and preparations, we will get through this and on Sunday when both my birthday and his five month angel date has passed, we will boldly say "ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!" and we survived!

Nate, the kids, myself and some other dear friends are running in the Color Run this Sunday.  I really wanted to do this 5k... for me its like I am standing up to death and looking him in the eye and shouting "SEE, you didn't kill my spirit! You tried, but I am still standing, still running!"  It think it will feel liberating and very 'alive'! With everything that is going on I find myself excited and nervous for this weekend... but I am holding all my anxiety up in prayer and I know it will be ok and when all is said and done... we will continue to be stronger and healthier than we were.  I think about where I was five months ago and where I am today... sometimes I feel as lonely and in as much despair as I did in the weeks after Dex passed away and other times I can believe I will make it through this.  What a totally wild and sucky journey this has been... I am not who I was before and I still don't think I am who I will become, but I feel like I am at least walking in the right direction!

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