Monday, February 25, 2013

Happiness is...

February has been a terrible month... it's the shortest month of the year, that felt like the longest month in history!  I swear I have been waiting for this wretched month to end since it began... and here we are, just mere days away from it being done and I can't wait!  I am looking forward to March and to Noah's birthday... but I am not going to lie, last March proved to be very hard for me.  It was tough because very, very slowly Declan's death was sinking in.  I was starting to realize what his death really meant for us (for those of you that have never had a child die, that statement probably sounds crazy, but for those who have I know you know exactly what I mean by that!!).  The fog of February was lifted and the heartache of settling into our 'new normal' was upon us.  I remember Noah's birthday (March 17th) and how incredibly hard that was for me to do... to celebrate life when my heart was broken by death was very difficult.  I remember sitting in the rocking chair later in the afternoon that day, holding Declan's blanket and crying my eyes out... feeling destroyed by the fact that I would never have my sweet Dex here to celebrate his birthday and feeling guilty for even having a party, but knowing Noah NEEDED to have one!  It was a such a tough month... and I am looking forward to it this year.  Looking forward to the warmer weather, looking forward to Noah's birthday and Easter.  I am excited... but I have some anxiety about it... remembering the suffering and pain from last year.... remembering where I was emotionally and where my heart was at.  I'm hoping the aftermath of the awful month of February doesn't linger and haunt me... so, in true Holle fashion I am making a challenge for myself... a "Happiness is..." challenge! Meaning for each day in March, I am going to find at least ONE thing that means 'happiness' to me and snap a photo of it. Thirty one days in March, 31photos of happiness to remind me how BLESSED I am despite our loss... to remind myself that I have NOT been forsaken.... to remind me that I could easily feel sorry for myself, but there many things to be thankful for and that make me happy! I just have to try and see through the clouds that sometimes blur my vision to all the wonderful things I am blessed with....

Are you up to the challenge? :) 


  1. Happiness is...knowing that I'll get to be with my Lilith again, that death is not the end. We lost our daughter to SIDS 6 years ago. She was 7wks and 6 days old. Grateful for the time we shared with her and the personal spiritual growth that has come from this event in our lives. We celebrate her birthday every year with a cake and candle. Our 4 children at home love blowing out the candles for her.

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    1. Thanking you for sharing yours!!! You are SO right... Death is NOT the end!
      One can only imagine Declan and Lilith, with many other little ones, running around in heaven and having a ball!