Monday, February 18, 2013

The last good bye...

Saying good bye is hard.... letting go of your child is beyond comprehension.  I can say with confidence that it was only with God's loving hand wrapped around us that were we able to make those crucial decisions in the when and how of letting Declan's spirit soar to its heavenly home... after we said our good-byes while he was living, while he was cradled in our arms surrounded by his entire family we stayed with him.  How do you leave?  How do you decide you've been there long enough?  How do you make the decision to say to the nurse... 'We are leaving, but please stay with him until he reaches the morgue?'  I can't tell you... I don't know how we made those agonizing decisions that day.  Walking away from his room in the PICU that night felt like a dream.  I would have imagined, at that point, that we had said our last good-bye.... but little did I know, we would be faced with good-bye a few more times that week.  On Friday, the 17th we were finally able to see him again and allowed to say good-bye once more.  Nathan and I held him... we ran our fingers over his soft skin and tried in vain to warm his little body up.  He was dressed to impress with little navy linen pants, a white and light blue collared shirt with a navy and pink argyle sweater over top.  He had a gopher stocking hat on, mainly to cover up visible marks from the autopsy... but when I first saw it, I couldn't help but remember the day I bought it.  Nathan and I had gone to a Gopher game in September and we were losing terribly, so I decided to go to the gift shop...  and it was clear on the other side of the stadium and people actually stopped me to ask if I was ok - I was out of breath and sweating and only half way there! (I have always been out of shape and WAY over weight during my pregnancies) When I finally arrived, I found these adorable little gopher slippers and a cute white fleece stocking hat.  It was SO cute... we were so excited, who knew that less than 6 months later, it would be worn to his funeral?!   Only our immediate family joined us that afternoon... in that good-bye.  It was peaceful and relaxed.... again, how did Nate and I decide that we needed to leave?  How again, did we determine we had been there long enough? On Saturday, the 18th we had our final good-bye... after visitation, the funeral director, Phil told us "it was time" and we knew that meant it was the last opportunity to see him before they sealed his casket up.  We stood there... holding each other, wishing the moment wouldn't end...  but the church was full and people were waiting. We knew that passing moment could only be brief.  One last touch... one last kiss on the his fat little cheeks and we turned and walked away, holding each other tightly as we did.... our last good-bye.  What I wouldn't give today to have made that moment longer, to steal just one more kiss and one more touch.  To want the impossible... to know what you desire will never happen again... it's frustrating at best and demoralizing at worst.  I can only imagine the reunion with Declan when I finally make it home.  I can see him now, running into my arms and for the first time hearing him say 'Mommy!'  What a joyous moment that will be... when there are no more good-byes!

Finally Home ~ Mercy Me

I have added this video before on my blog, but until I do make my journey home, I will be forever homesick.... 

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