Sunday, March 3, 2013

Living a full life

The day Declan died, I remember not wanting him to die... obviously, but there was such a mix of reasons why.  First, I remember praying over and over that God would take me instead.  Thinking I had lived a wonderful life and he hadn't even begun... wanting more for him.  Wishing that he would have those opportunities to be on a team and cheer his teammates on to victory.  Thinking about how wonderful it is to fall in love and wishing that he would have felt those butterflies... wanting him to experience church camp at Okoboji, splashing in the lake, learning about Jesus and finding pure joy at what our Father has done for us.   There were so many wonderful aspects to life that I wanted him to experience.  After we arrived at Children's Hospital and learned he 'probably' wasn't going to make it, I remember my thoughts changing to not wanting him to die because I didn't want to be so deeply hurt.  I didn't want to live without him.  I didn't want to feel the pain that I knew would come after he died.  I couldn't even imagine how to begin being the mother whose baby passed away... it was scary and I so selfishly wanted to keep Declan alive so I didn't have to live my life without him... so that I wouldn't have to know that deep pain.  A mix of compassion towards his life, knowing I would have done anything to keep him alive so he could live.... turned to my selfish nature of not wanting to have to endure life without him.  I suppose that is typical... when there was hope that he could live, I pleaded for God to take me instead... thinking that I could bargain with God.  Then, after learning he would not survive, my thoughts turned to how his death was going to hurt me... how my heart would never be whole again... wondering if I would even be able to breath upon his passing.  As time has continued to slip through my fingers, I try (and I say try because it is so easy to allow sadness to get the best of me)  to find comfort in knowing even though I can not see Declan, he is alive and is living a FULL life, much more than he could have ever experienced here.   My hope comes from the Lord... the maker of heaven and earth. Until we see each other again little man... you never leave my thoughts. 

1 comment:

  1. oh how i ache for you, holle - what hope we have in Christ! thank the Good Lord for THAT HOPE...sending hugs to you today