Friday, March 15, 2013

My wish list

I wish you were here today Dex... I wish I could take you shopping for Noah's birthday present.  I wish you and I could snuggle while your big brother plays with all his little friends tonight.... I wish you hadn't passed away and that I wasn't a grieving mother.  I wish the hand I have been dealt was easier to know how to play.   It's kind of funny because before we lost you, I had everything I needed and all I desired for was material things... new purses, new shoes, more make up and jewelry, and fashionable clothes.  I actually would day dream about what I would do if I won the lottery! I can hardly imagine those carefree days when my biggest wish was to get a bigger Coach purse.  Now I wish for you.... I wish this hadn't happened... I wish you could be at your brothers party.... I wish that Noah and you could've been best friends and that you and miss CoCo Bean could have been co-conspirators against Noah! I wish your sister and your brother didn't have to intimately know the sting of death.  I wish I didn't have to know about things like Grief Share, Grieving Mothers, and the MN SIDs family group.  I wish there was no SIDS.  After your death, my entire wish list changed.... my wish list now is more like a "if I possessed magical powers" type of list. All the wishing in the world wont bring you back. You're gone.  YOU are in a better place. YOU are running free, dancing amongst angels and singing praises with the heavenly choir... My sadness isn't for YOU, it's for me.  It's for my brokenness.  It would be selfish of me to want to take you away from heaven... but that is exactly what I want to do.  I want you here with me.  I want to feel you in my arms one more time...  I need to come back from my reality vacation and wake up!  It's not going to happen... at least not until the day I go home, until I walk through those gates of pearl and gold.  On that day I will see all you have there in heaven and will be ashamed for ever thinking you would have been better off with me here in this world.  I realize I need a new wish list... one that can actually happen, but then nothing seems important enough to include on a wish list now.  Like with every other step of this journey, I realize my healing and who I am is a work in progress and that someday I will figure out what holds enough meaning to be on my wish list.

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