“No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories.” ― Haruki Murakami
The last few weeks have been interesting... I feel a bit like an onion... layers of memory are being slowly peeled away and out of nowhere I will experience a memory so strong that I can smell scents I smelt that day, or my fingers tingle as though they are touching his hands in the moment! Today for example, I was driving to work... nothing out of the ordinary. I was playing a CD of music that reminds me of Declan and when I usually listen to it I think of him while he was living... I see that amazing smile he had, I hear his voice telling me a story only he knew understood... I enjoy those memories! But today it was different, I was taken back to the 17th of February. I was sitting in a chair on the south side of the funeral home. My aunt and uncle were standing over Nate and I as we held Dex's body. It was the last time I held him. I can still feel the softness of his little fingers and his fat arms... but he was really cold. I remember Courty giving him a kiss and saying "Ohhhh... Declan's cold mom. Cover him up." We had him wrapped in a blanket and I would rub and rub his hand trying to transfer my body heat to his... but death steals any and all warmth that our body's are capable of making. Death is truly like putting out a fire... all the light and warmth that radiates from the flames is gone very quickly when is is extinguished. I remember the way his eyes looked... they were different than normal... almost Asian like. I remember thinking his lips looked chapped and dry and I didn't know if I could put chap stick on him or not. The mom in me took over and I did and they looked better. I remember what was wearing and the pin I had on my sweater that kept rubbing my shoulder. I remember feeling like life was ending. I remember thinking this isn't happening to us. I remember noting that this was the end of his passing and that after the funeral, everyone else got to go back to their life the way it was before my son died... and we had yet to begin life without our son... I remembered these things today... I suppose I always had remembered it just hadn't crossed my mind in a long time... I suspect as the months and years continue to move forward, I will have lots of memories that leave me in tears and take me back to that moment... the day and the days following his death were traumatic and filled with who knows what, but very busy... In time, when I can handle it, I'm sure my mind will slowly release these moments... will take me back to those terrible days, allowing me to reflect and process.... to use those memories to heal.