Monday, August 27, 2012

It goes on.

As the teachers came back to school today, I couldn't help but reflect on the fact that summer is over.  Another chapter in our life has come to a close.... that 'time' just keeps on moving.  I think I could write about this topic everyday... I am amazed at the speed of time.  Thinking back on my son's life feels like it was just yesterday, thinking of his death seems like an eternity ago.  I think that is one thing a grieving parent has a hard time coming to terms with, the fact that life just continues... people's lives go back to normal yet a grieving parent is left staring at their shattered life wondering 'what next?' and is in the middle of trying to process 'why us?'...  There are still times when I see a family out and about that for some reason or another strikes me to ask myself, 'why not them?'  It is so hard to fully wrap my head around all that has happened... days when I look at Dex's photos and can hardly believe he was actually a part of my life.  I look at the photo on my blog and I run my pointer across his cheek... I touch his face on the screen... I try to remember what he felt like, what he smelt like... the way his voice sounded... but that damn time continues to pass by, taking me further from the last time I saw him and stealing my memories.  Time continues to be my worst enemy in this whole process... time doesn't wait to make sure I am ok... time doesn't stop to ensure we are able to grieve properly... time is insensitive and the harsh reality for all grieving parents is that life does go on, even when you wish it would stop... it just keeps ticking.  It continues to remind you daily that it is one day further away from the last moment you kissed their cheek, from the last time you told them you loved them, from the last time you stroked their soft skin and breathed in their scent.... each day that passes is one more day away from them and one day further into this new life we have no choice but to create.  Time is painful, but one of the hardest lesson I have had to learn is that life really does go on... there is no other option.

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