Tuesday, September 4, 2012

I refuse to SINK!

I finally got a tattoo with my sweet Declan's name.  I had put a lot of thought into the design and kept changing my mind... it never seemed right.  Then I stumbled across a quote that has stuck with me for a while and I have adopted as my personal motto... "I refuse to sink".  That quote pushed my mind and my tattoo design into full gear and I came up with this... Declan's name with an itty bitty anchor next to it on my wrist.  Symbolizing his life and all it's glory and that I will not allow death to sink me.  I will not be beaten by Dex's death, but instead will continue to move forward and become stronger. I think I have said this before, but I am not who I was before he passed away and I am not sure who I will become... but no matter what, Declan's death will make me a better person! I will stand tall and proud with the other mothers whose lives have been torn apart by the death of their child and have stood up to the tragedy and with a brave face said, "I'm still standing".

This month Declan will have been gone 7 months.  It's really hard for me to accept that. It's hard, as I have mentioned a million times, to see time continue to slip by. It's hard for me to accept the fact that we will be coming up to his 1 year birthday in 2 1/2 months. It's hard for me to accept that he isn't here with us, walking and talking and eating food, getting into messes and just being present in our lives.  It's hard for me to accept that.   But day by day and even moment by moment, it is becoming a part of me.  Seeping into my brain, slowly... allowing me to process it and for lack of a better word, accept it.  Each day that goes by I try to figure out what being Declan's mommy means... how do I continue to parent him when he isn't physically a part of our lives?  How do I make his life impactful?  Part of refusing to sink for me is more than just getting up in the morning, but figuring out how to use his death in a way that changes others people's lives.  It's more than getting back to normal (because trust me... we will never get back to the 'normal' we had before his death)... it's about making an impact on the way we think... it's about supporting others who have lost a child (or children)... it's about never letting ONE day go by that his name isn't mentioned in our household and how we can use his short life to change the world.   My son died, but I REFUSE TO SINK!


  1. What meaning and a great visible reminder to yourself and others.