I have been thinking a lot about death lately and asking the age old question of "why"... it's a maddening question. I truly believe you could drive yourself crazy focusing on that question. I have talked about this before, I know, but that is the thing with grief... it is a process that you go through where you find yourself back at places you thought you moved forward from. Now at this stage of my journey, the "why" question has some answers... some truths that I have discovered along this passage of time... 1) God didn't do this TO ME... I have not been forsaken. This did not happen because of something I did or Nate did. 2) Death was never a part of God's original plan... that pesky devil came into our lives and introduced SIN into our world and that is how death came to be. It was a great comfort on the day following Declan's death when my Pastor told us, "God didn't want this to happen. God is suffering with you." God doesn't want us to hurt... he doesn't find joy in our pain. 3) If I was told the reason why Declan died... it wouldn't make it better and it wouldn't be a good enough reason for me! I am finally able to put some faith into the fact that God sees a bigger picture of the world than I do... and that maybe Dex's death will benefit the greater good in some capacity... but again, to me whatever that is will not be worth his death. 4) Dwelling on the 'why' doesn't change anything... Declan is still gone. No amount of reflecting, thinking, focusing, dwelling, processing or anything will change what has been done. Our son is no longer living in our world... he lives in a better place and one day I will be with him! AND FINALLY 5) Telling me that "Everything Happens for a Reason" does NOT make me feel better. It brings me back to wondering, "what is the reason" and ultimately back to the question of "WHY?"... A place I don't want to be at this point in my journey. What I have come to realize is that "everything happens"... it does. Just as surely as the sun will set tonight... everything does happen. What reason for anything to happen is a mute point... the point is ithappened and what matters is how a person moves forward from whatever itis.