Tuesday, August 21, 2012

the unexpected moments

Some days sorrow comes out of nowhere.  The day feels like it is moving along and all is going well... then just like that sorrow creeps into my heart and I am full of sadness.  I've been experiencing this for sometime now... its not new to me, but I am often taken off guard by the strength of the hurt I hold inside... there are times when it takes my breath away and I have to fight to catch it.  I've considered maybe these are panic attacks, but once I catch my breath I am fine, just sad.... but can function and continue on with my day, with an ickiness in my stomach that lingers all day.  It's been six months and still there are times when I can't believe it.  I can't accept the fact that he isn't here... I think that is part of the sadness I feel... in those moments I am hit with the fact that it IS REAL... that this DID HAPPEN to us.   You can't prepare yourself for the loss of your child... I don't think anyone can ever be ready for the emotional roller coaster you have to endure after a loss like this.  I struggle with the waves of pain that strike me when I least expect it, but what I am learning is that my heart, my soul, every once of my being misses Declan every second of the day, of course it is going to catch up with me on occasion.  I'm coming to terms with the unexpectedness of those feelings and realizing they are completely normal in the process of healing and that I should expect them... This week has been a sad week... it's been difficult to process what we as a family have gone through and I truly feel like his passing is something I have to process frequently...  there was SO much happening to us that week of February 14th... it was a whirlwind of tragedy, one 'no one should ever have to experience this in their life' moment after another.  Its overwhelming to me right now... but something I know I need to do to heal... I'm not expecting those unexpected moments of sadness to go away anytime soon.  Maybe they never will...

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