Thursday, April 26, 2012

Tick Tock

Tick Tock Tick Tock... oh the hands of the wicked clock.... on and on they go. Time just keeps moving when all I really want it to do it stop.  I want the world to grieve with us.  I want time to stand still, I don't want another day to widen the gap between life and death.  I can't imagine how life will be when Declan will have been gone longer than he was here.  It's a concept that turns my stomach.  It's a thought that scares me... I fear for the time when I no longer ache for Declan, I am frightened for the day when Declan is not the first thought I have when I wake up and the last thought I have before I drift off.  Although the past 10 weeks have been unrelenting heart ache, the pain reminds me that he was real... that he was here and was a part of our lives so completely.  Everyday that passes, I am one day further away from the last time I was able to touch him... one day more removed from his smell.... one day more away from his beautiful smile.  I know it is ludicrous to think I will forget... but I also know how busy life can get, how quickly people can get caught up in work.  I know there will come a time when we will be busy running Courty and Noah around to their various after school activities and there won't be enough hours in the day to breath, let alone continue to grieve.  There will come a day when people no longer think of us as the family whose baby died....there will come a time when we meet people who won't know we are a family of five.... there will come a time when his name is no longer brought up... there will come a time when life goes on and is normal.  Right now, I don't want that.  I want to remain right here in this moment... as close to Declan's life as I can be.  I want to still be able to close my eyes and see him playing in the tub, I want to close out the world and hear his voice.  I am scared those are memories I will lose.... as the clocks hands slowly make their way around, I am a second, a minute, an hour, a day further away from my son's life than I just was... and memories fade... It's a terrible, scary, heartbreaking thought.


  1. As long as you and Nate continue to talk about Declan to others and to Noah and Courty and share your story, I don't think Declan will ever be forgotten. And yes, with each passing minute and hour you are further away from his life here on Earth, but you are also one second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year closer to spending eternity with him in Heaven!!

  2. your honesty is so beautiful, holle. i can only echo jayne's words...every minute is one minute closer to a never-ending life together in heaven. praise God for that hope!