There are good days and there are bad days. There are moments when life feels like it might just be ok and then there are moments that make me want to give up. There are times when the ache is so strong it feels like a really bad case of heart burn... but it's nothing that can be fixed with a simple dose of tums. There is no fixing the hurt I feel. There is nothing to speed up the process of healing. There is nothing. I have to bear down, hold my head high and hope to get through. Today was a bad day. Nothing in particular that was difficult, just my same ol' same ol' life... a life that now thrives on routines, schedules, and 'mundaneness', but there are times when the structure of our lives is the very reason I am overwhelmed with sorrow. We have adapted, we have adjusted, we have become a family of four again. We have to live that way, but my heart screams 'we are FIVE!' I have to figure out how to accept what we are, what we've become without allowing myself to sulk in despair. I often look at us, sitting in the car... having ice cream at the store.... watching a movie and I can't help but think we will never be a complete family again here on this earth, one of us will ALWAYS be missing. So really... I don't know why today stunk, but at the same time, given the situation we are in, I think the more meaningful question would be, why is any day good? Why isn't every day sucky? I have no answer for that. I do know that I fully embrace the good, while accepting the bad.... I often wonder what would make one day better than the next and I truly have NO IDEA.... all I know for sure is that there are good days and bad days...good moments and bad moments. The mysterious cycle of grief.