Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Surviving the Ordinary

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass,
it's about learning to dance in the rain.
The ordinariness of my life is stunning to me... shocking.  There was a time when I was certain if I ever lost a child of mine that my life would end.  It would be catastrophic to my survival in this world. I was certain my heart could not stand to beat again after going through that pain.... Now I sit here, preparing for work and I am in awe at how life appears so ordinary.   Just mere days before my sweet Declan passed away, I was driving home and had the thought tumble across my mind, 'what if I never see my children's faces again?' I cried the entire trip and now here I am, on the computer, talking about my son's passing and I have no tears...  I am getting ready for work, my life hasn't stopped. My heart still beats. Even at my lowest when I wanted nothing more than to experience death myself, my heart kept going... my lungs kept breathing.... I didn't die.  When people say to me, "I don't know how you do it, I would never be able to go on." I want to ask them, "What choice do you think you have?" There are still bills to pay, relationships to tend to, a life still needing living.... At some point in our grieving process there has to come a time when we develop a new normal.... when life returns to ordinary...  When my days aren't consumed with death, sadness and anger.  There has to come a time when happiness returns.   We work daily towards keeping routines, at making time to talk and pray as a family for ourselves and for our Dex... we strive to regain normalcy.  We've reached 'ordinary' to such a degree it is almost boring, but our ordinary is still different than everyone else's.... not a waking hour goes by, NOT ONE, that I don't think about Declan....that I don't remind myself of what I have loss.  Not one evening goes by that we don't say his name and talk about our son/brother that we desperately miss.  As I get ready for work today, I know I will spend a great deal of time day-dreaming of my Declan... to most people it will appear to be very ordinary, to me, it is similar, but different than it used to be.  I am coming to terms with the fact that who I once was, who I am right now and who I will become are not the same person....I've evolved, I change, I will grow.  I go about life, I continue to live... everyday just another ordinary day that I have to survive.


  1. "...a life still needing living..."
    that is so simple and so beautiful.

  2. Holle you write about your grieving process so beautifully I"m sure it is a help to many others.

  3. Thanking God, for giving you the strenghth to get through one more day, one day at a time.

  4. I often find myself thinking the same thing after I drop my children off at the bus or at daycare...that is why I always make it a point to give them a kiss and tell them how very much I love them. It hurts my heart to know that that could be a possibility, as your life so now demonstrates. I thank you for your words, they are encouraging to all of us mothers, to remember to enjoy the "ordinary" that we have because we never know when we may be given a "new normal".