Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
The ordinariness of my life is stunning to me... shocking. There was a time when I was certain if I ever lost a child of mine that my life would end. It would be catastrophic to my survival in this world. I was certain my heart could not stand to beat again after going through that pain.... Now I sit here, preparing for work and I am in awe at how life appears so ordinary. Just mere days before my sweet Declan passed away, I was driving home and had the thought tumble across my mind, 'what if I never see my children's faces again?' I cried the entire trip and now here I am, on the computer, talking about my son's passing and I have no tears... I am getting ready for work, my life hasn't stopped. My heart still beats. Even at my lowest when I wanted nothing more than to experience death myself, my heart kept going... my lungs kept breathing.... I didn't die. When people say to me, "I don't know how you do it, I would never be able to go on." I want to ask them, "What choice do you think you have?" There are still bills to pay, relationships to tend to, a life still needing living.... At some point in our grieving process there has to come a time when we develop a new normal.... when life returns to ordinary... When my days aren't consumed with death, sadness and anger. There has to come a time when happiness returns. We work daily towards keeping routines, at making time to talk and pray as a family for ourselves and for our Dex... we strive to regain normalcy. We've reached 'ordinary' to such a degree it is almost boring, but our ordinary is still different than everyone else's.... not a waking hour goes by, NOT ONE, that I don't think about Declan....that I don't remind myself of what I have loss. Not one evening goes by that we don't say his name and talk about our son/brother that we desperately miss. As I get ready for work today, I know I will spend a great deal of time day-dreaming of my Declan... to most people it will appear to be very ordinary, to me, it is similar, but different than it used to be. I am coming to terms with the fact that who I once was, who I am right now and who I will become are not the same person....I've evolved, I change, I will grow. I go about life, I continue to live... everyday just another ordinary day that I have to survive.