When life isn't fair…

I am missing Declan so much today… I can't stop thinking about all we have lost.  Not just who he was, but everything he would have been.   We should have a 2 year old.  We should be watching the kids play with Declan and get frustrated when he steals their toys. We should be hearing belly laughs and whinny cries… we should be watching fat fingers turn pages of a tractor book and getting wet kisses.  We should have more, we should be more… this isn't the life I envisioned and frankly, it sucks.  Death has robbed us of the future we deserve.   There are still times I ask myself, "why us?"  Why not someone else? What did we do wrong?  I read horrific stories of child abuse and neglect and I stop and ask "Seriously!?!?  Those sick people have living children, but Declan had to die?!  Where is the fairness is that?"  Then I remember the line I have said too many times to count, "Life isn't fair and rarely does it make sense."  Life is not fair.  Life is NOT FAIR!  The very fact that it is not fair, is SO NOT FAIR!!  Unfairness is a hard lesson to learn. 

I find myself in a place again of discontentment… wanting to somehow make our future what it was supposed to be.  Wanting to fill the hole that is left and to feel like all is right again.  Here is where I am confronted with the "Great Divide" that I have talked about in the past…The heart vs the brain. My heart is wanting something, someONE, so badly right now that it is winning the battle of logic with my brain! My brain knows nothing will fill that hole.  My brain knows that bad things happen to good people and that's just a fact of life… but my heart is hurting so much that it is tricking my common sense into believing something I do or change will make life right again… And life won't ever be what I believed it would be.  I had the life I wanted.  Now, I have to learn to want (and be ok with) the life I have… the one without my baby.  

Hey, who stole my sunshine?

It's been a gloomy month… I suppose I anticipated the 2nd anniversary of his passing to be easier, but that hasn't been the case for me.  In fact, since his birthday back in November, life has felt blah and sad.  I feel down, I feel exhausted, I feel anxious… I hadn't really thought about it and I was trying to describe to a friend the other day how I was feeling and I said, "It's like someone stole my sunshine."  I didn't even know the words were going to come out of my mouth, but than I thought about it and it was a pretty good description of how I have been feeling.  Almost like I have been walking around with a cloud above my head, waiting for it to rain on my parade.  It's this gloomy feeling that make me quick to anger, quick to tears, quick to frustration and quick to want to have a pity party.   I know the weather hasn't helped any either! A lack of fresh air and constantly having frozen toes is enough to turn anyones good mood sour, but add in grief and its like the 'polar vortex' of YUCK!

Under my cloud, however, there are moments that are unexpected and so moving I don't know how to respond other than with a soft whispered 'thank you'.  Here is what I received the other day, from one of the officers that responded to Declan's 911 call (I hope he doesn't mind my sharing!):

"As the 2-year anniversary of Declan’s passing approaches, I want you to know that I still think of him.  As I have told you before, I have been to many heartbreaking calls in my career as a Police Officer, but Declan continues to stand out to me. Officer ***** and I both wear our “Declan bracelets” proudly in honor of his bravery and I know that I pull strength from it.  I should tell you that our bracelets are showing extreme wear and I am hoping you have another one for us.  I never take mine off as I find Declan a source of motivation for many things, including my job."

My heart swelled with such a mix of emotions while I was reading his email… pride in my son, hope in humanity, sadness at the reality of his death and an overwhelming urge to find this officer, hug him and again tell him how much his service means to us!! I actually haven't responded to his email yet.  I have formulated multiple responses, but my words seem insignificant to how he made me feel!  How do you say thank you to someone who fought so hard for your child's life?!  Maybe it's not as complicated as I am making it.  Maybe it's simply saying, "thank you" and hoping the look in our eyes can speak louder than our words! 

As we begin this week… in attempts to 'pump' myself up for the emotional journey this week will prove to be, I am going to start by saying: I am thankful to be Declan's mom.  I am thankful to have Nate by my side walking through this with me.  I am thankful for GOD's ever present hand in my life.  I am thankful for the mothers I have met along this journey who hold me up with words of encouragement when I want to give up.  I am thankful for the life God gave me, even when it hurts like hell!  I am thankful that I am who I am.  AND lastly… go ahead and try Devil… you might break my heart at times but you will never break my spirit! 

Here we go again…

Here we go again… gearing up to survive another anniversary of our sons passing.  Another February to walk through the stores and see all the hearts and pink and mushy love junk.  I actually find myself trying to avoid looking at it.  I will walk out of my way to miss it, however, in most stores it's front and center… cuz this holiday is a big deal I guess, but it makes me hurt.  For Nathan and I, this holiday will never be about our love for each other, but will always be about our love for our sweet Declan.  It will always be about how we can honor his memory and the memory of that dreadful day.  It will be about saying Thank You to so many people…. it will be about remembering the selfless act of our daycare provider, the St. Peter police officers, the doctors and nurses at Rivers Edge hospital, the helicopter flight crew, and the staff at Children's hospital.   It will forever be about what I can do for someone else… how I can show my gratitude for those who FOUGHT for my sons life!  I think of the people, from our daycare provider to the doctor who pronounced his death… each one of those people looked at our son and decided he was worth giving it their all.  This might sound crazy, but I look at those people… and I feel so lucky that they were on duty that day.  I feel almost in awe of their will to fight, when I am sure it often seemed hopeless.  I think of our daycare provider and her quick actions, giving Declan CPR… I don't know how she found it in her to do it and than to go through the police investigation, when I am sure all she wanted to do was curl up in her bed and cry.   "Lucky"… not the word I would have thought I'd describe myself as in reference to that dreaded day, but it's true.  That is how I feel.  We had the best people on our team and we still didn't win, but the game was fought hard and the loss was felt by everyone!

My heart is still heavy and I'm still very broken… the past two years have been difficult, a living hell to be specific.  I am still finding myself learning about my grief.  I still lose  my breath thinking about our beloved boy.  I still want to punch the wall at times and shout obscenities at the time of my lungs.  Two years has done little to change my sadness, but I have learned how to 'control' it and frankly, avoid it when it's not the right time.  I can say that he doesn't fill my every thought anymore, but there is not a day that he doesn't enter my thoughts at some point.   I don't cry everyday anymore, but there is no telling what will send me into hysterics and uncontrollable sobs.  At times I feel like I am a shell of who I was…not the confident, out going, almost fearless, YOUNG lady I was.  Now there are a lot of days I feel OLD, with the weight of responsibility laying heavily on my shoulders.   I live with a level of anxiety I have never experienced. I struggle when life gets difficult with putting things into perspective and not freaking out. What I can confidentially say is that I have more purpose in this life now.  I have a better understanding of how important the 'little' things are.  I am more empathetic and kinder than I used to be and I am able to love deeper than before.  I can't imagine going back to who I use to be…  I am different and I am learning what it means to be the 'new' me.  It's a challenge, but it's not going to break me!  As we approach the dreaded day… I am going to let my heart feel what it wants.  I am not going to hide any tears, I am not going to apologize for not living up to any expectations,  I am going to go with the flow and be OK with it.   

Worn

I'm sitting in my office, it's 3:30… very few people are in the building today.   I'm one of 4 other people who chose to come in and get some work done before the holiday.  Its cold out today, below 0 in fact.  I have a sweater on my lap, my heater on high next to me and the lights off.  The sun is just starting to set and the glow in my office from the rays of sunshine is very peaceful.   I am in a debbie-downer kind of mood…. or maybe, more accurately, it's the first time this December that I have had a moment of quiet to reflect on me and the ache of my own heart and it hurts to be in this place… this moment that I can't out-run my sadness.  I can't laugh it away by being silly with the kids, I can't zone out of it by reading a book or watching some mindless TV show.  I am stuck facing it.  Which I know I have to do anyway, I might as well do it when I am by myself.  It's funny how over time grieving feels better when I am by myself.  It feels more authentic, more real and true to how I want to feel.  There is no one to ask if I am ok… there is no one to misinterpret my tears… no one to make uncomfortable with my sadness. Just me and my brokenness… the me I try to hide, the me I don't let people see.  The me I am not comfortable with, but am slowly learning to accept.  ME… and no one else… these are the moments when grief can be the most overwhelming.   The moments when my own anger and self-pity gang up on me and try to break me again.   But… true to the way God has surprised me and supported me through this journey thus far, he is at it once again.  When my tears begin blurring my vision and making their slow decent down my cheeks, a song pops on and the words speak to me…and like so many other times, it FITS this moment and reminds me that I am NEVER alone… I am NEVER without Him and his endless love.  The song is called Worn, by Tenth Avenue North… here are the first few verses.

I'm tired

I'm worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 
I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the aches of a broken life

All thats dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

I know I need 

To lift my eyes up 

But I'm too weak

Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left…

I mean really… how does He do it?  How does he know when I can't take much more?   It makes me wonder if my own little angel is watching and seeing me hurting?  I can envision him tugging at the robes of Jesus saying, 'my mommy needs you.'   What a beautiful picture I just painted in my mind…

Listen for yourself… it's such a great song! 

     Worn, Tenth Ave North 

His birthday…

So, November 18th was our dear Declan's birthday.  He would have been two… I expected to have a ton of things to say about it.  I expected the day to be something different then what is was.  However, it was a strange day.  It has taken me this long to wrap my thoughts around it.  I had the day off.  I had envisioned Nate and I doing something special, something in memory of him, something to elevate my sour mood… but Nate ended up having to work and I found myself home alone, by myself.   I tried to sleep in, I tried to force my eyes shut, but getting up at 5:15 every morning makes it almost impossible to sleep past 7am, which is sleeping in I guess.  I laid there, wondering what I should do.  What would make the day special… what would make me feel like I was honoring him in someway?  I came up with nothing.  I found myself watching the final episode of Spartacus… blood and guts and gore… At the end, if your familiar with the story, most of the main characters die, a fairly gruesome death that seem unfitting since they were simply fighting for the right to be free.   I broke down at how unfair life is and clearly has always been.  Good people dealing with unfairness and broken hearts… it doesn't seem right.   I found myself sympathizing with these slaves/rebels and thinking to myself if only there was someone I could fight, someone I could blame for the burden I have been forced to carry.  If only I could carry my ax into battle to make someone pay for my broken heart and broken life…but there is no one.  No one did this to us, no one took our sons life… it's the unlucky hand we were dealt.   Even if there were someone to hurl my pain at, it would not change the fact that he is gone from this world.   It would not make my broken spirit better. It would not mend my broken heart.  Anger and rage are easy pits to allow yourself to fall in to, but are not healthy places to be.  I think I have worked really hard at not letting the unfairness of his death, the pain of losing him turn me into someone I am not… I don't thrive in those negative feelings.   I need happy, I need love, I need joy… I need to see the world as a beautiful place and to know that there is still good out there.   I laid there for awhile, feeling sorry for myself…then I realized I needed to get out of bed.  I needed to shower, I needed to get dressed and develop a plan for what to do with myself. I decided to call up a dear friend and see if she would have lunch with me.  She is also a survivor of child loss and has become a huge source of support for me.  We chatted, we laughed and we cried… but she's the type of friend who makes you comfortable with your tears and ok with being a mess out in public!   Late afternoon, an unexpected surprise arrived at our door in the form of an angel… referring to both the cookies and the friend who delivered them!

Specially made for us… with Declan's name on them!  As cute as they are, I expected them to taste bad, but no, there were amazing! They were SO SO good. 

It was exactly what I needed on that day… a reminder that Declan and his life have touched many peoples hearts.    

Giving Back

I have lots of mixed emotions this month…. November 18th will be Declan's 2nd birthday.  I have been trying to imagine all the things little two year olds are into these days.  Trucks, tractors, Thomas the train… he'd be potty training, walking and talking and annoying his big brother and sister…. he would be pulling Murray's tail and laughing at his reaction.  Those are the things we are missing out on…. those are the dreams we've lost.

In honor of our sweet boy's 2nd birthday, we decided to do something for someone else.  We want to give back to the very place that helped us realize how to take the first steps towards healing and acceptance.  A place that we hold so near and dear to our hearts… Faith's Lodge.  People have asked 'what about it was special?' and I honestly can't explain.  I think a big part of it was being with other people who had experienced a loss… and a sense of completely being able to let your guard down because no one was going to be insensitive or say something offensive… I think it was about not needing to pretend you were ok… I think it was about an understanding of perspectives.   Whatever it is, it's not understandable to someone who hasn't lost a child… and for those who have, it is tough to get because it feels so risky to put yourself and your emotions out there, and less face it, it seems almost to "kumbayaish" and not normal.  BUT for us, we had no where to go and nothing to lose… and it was a beautiful experience for us.

http://www.faithslodge.org

Please join us in raising our goal of $500 for Faith's Lodge and the families that visit there who are looking to find a little hope again.

Please follow the link below to our very own fundraising page, called "Declan's Dreamers".   We will be raising funds now until February 16th… Both Nathan and I sincerely thank you for your donation.  I can promise you that every cent earned will make a difference in someone else's journey!

http://givemn.razoo.com/story/Declan-S-Dreamers 

With much love and appreciation,
Holle

The struggle…

Often times I get caught up in my own 'yuck'… I let my thoughts drift to, "This is too much for me"  I start feeling overwhelmed and inept at being me… I wonder how I got to this place in my life.  I start thinking about being 'done' with everything… being done with grief,  done with being married,  done with parenting, done with working… done being ME.  There are times when it is just is too much (before you get concerned, I am not talking about suicide!!).  Like I think if I could just take a break from chaotic mornings and busy evenings and escape reality for just a brief bit… my perspective might change.  Maybe…  but maybe it wouldn't.  I am starting to think that grief plays more of a role in my life than I realize.  I wonder and I ask myself… was I always so dramatic and quick to say, "this is too much!" For those who know me well, I am not talking about my tendency to be a drama queen, I know full well I can be one of those!  But lately it feels like any thing that feels stressful or negative almost drives me into hysteria.  I stop and think no one deserves to put up with me… my kids deserve more. Wouldn't you think that after losing one child, I would be the epitome of a good mom! I would be attentive and kind and gentle… pretty sure gentle is not a word my children would use to describe me at the current moment in time… it would probably be more like unpredictable…. I think grief is my biggest problem with all of this…grieving mucks up the mind, plays tricks on your heart and confuses me…  as I have mentioned before I struggle with feeling like I don't know who I am since he passed away, making it hard to feel centered and rational… I struggle with finding myself in this journey.  I struggle coming to terms with Declan's death… I think I might have finally accepted that it is real, but now that means figuring out what life means… moving forward and keeping his memory alive, yet living in the present… it's messy and hard… it is the ugly reality of coming to terms with what death does to the living.   It makes you question everything you thought you knew…

As far as 'being done' with everything… well, what are my options with that?  The only one that works for me is sticking to it, working on what it means to be me and figuring life out again.   Its sucks sometimes… a lot of the time, but I do believe that this will only make me stronger and that it will get easier.  For now, I know that I am ok with just being who I am… whatever that means.