Sunday, February 9, 2014

Hey, who stole my sunshine?

It's been a gloomy month… I suppose I anticipated the 2nd anniversary of his passing to be easier, but that hasn't been the case for me.  In fact, since his birthday back in November, life has felt blah and sad.  I feel down, I feel exhausted, I feel anxious… I hadn't really thought about it and I was trying to describe to a friend the other day how I was feeling and I said, "It's like someone stole my sunshine."  I didn't even know the words were going to come out of my mouth, but than I thought about it and it was a pretty good description of how I have been feeling.  Almost like I have been walking around with a cloud above my head, waiting for it to rain on my parade.  It's this gloomy feeling that make me quick to anger, quick to tears, quick to frustration and quick to want to have a pity party.   I know the weather hasn't helped any either! A lack of fresh air and constantly having frozen toes is enough to turn anyones good mood sour, but add in grief and its like the 'polar vortex' of YUCK!

Under my cloud, however, there are moments that are unexpected and so moving I don't know how to respond other than with a soft whispered 'thank you'.  Here is what I received the other day, from one of the officers that responded to Declan's 911 call (I hope he doesn't mind my sharing!):

"As the 2-year anniversary of Declan’s passing approaches, I want you to know that I still think of him.  As I have told you before, I have been to many heartbreaking calls in my career as a Police Officer, but Declan continues to stand out to me. Officer ***** and I both wear our “Declan bracelets” proudly in honor of his bravery and I know that I pull strength from it.  I should tell you that our bracelets are showing extreme wear and I am hoping you have another one for us.  never take mine off as I find Declan a source of motivation for many things, including my job."

My heart swelled with such a mix of emotions while I was reading his email… pride in my son, hope in humanity, sadness at the reality of his death and an overwhelming urge to find this officer, hug him and again tell him how much his service means to us!! I actually haven't responded to his email yet.  I have formulated multiple responses, but my words seem insignificant to how he made me feel!  How do you say thank you to someone who fought so hard for your child's life?!  Maybe it's not as complicated as I am making it.  Maybe it's simply saying, "thank you" and hoping the look in our eyes can speak louder than our words! 

As we begin this week… in attempts to 'pump' myself up for the emotional journey this week will prove to be, I am going to start by saying: I am thankful to be Declan's mom.  I am thankful to have Nate by my side walking through this with me.  I am thankful for GOD's ever present hand in my life.  I am thankful for the mothers I have met along this journey who hold me up with words of encouragement when I want to give up.  I am thankful for the life God gave me, even when it hurts like hell!  I am thankful that I am who I am.  AND lastly… go ahead and try Devil… you might break my heart at times but you will never break my spirit! 

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