Monday, February 17, 2014

Guest Post: A year of Tears

I am calling this my first ever guest post… although I didn't ask if I could 'borrow' her work, it's my sister-n-law so she just has to deal with it.  I wanted to share her post she created a year ago.  I often only talk about my grief because it is what I know.  I understand my pain and I can speak without worrying that I am putting words into peoples mouths…. so when I read her blog post about the last time she was with Declan prior to the 14th, I was very moved by it and wanted to share it.    So… thank you Jenn for posting this and sharing your memories with us!!

A Year of Tears

REMEMBERING... There are so many things I remember about the day you left us. First hearing about you being flown to the hospital; rushing home and trying to pack - only to realize you were't going to Sioux Falls, but were coming to Minneapolis. Grandma meeting me in the hall at the hospital, preparing me for the terrible reality; seeing you hooked up to the machines; watching you take your last breath and your mommy giving you your last bath. 

Those images of the day you died will never leave my mind - I'm sure of that. But, there is another memory I have of you - one that is so special, I hold on to it with every piece of my heart. 

On the morning of your baptism...
As our family sat in the front row of the church, listening to the pastor's sermon, (he showed a Veggie Tales video - it was so cute! Noah and Courtlynn loved it and I remember thinking, "We should get some of those videos for Noela"). 

You were laying casually across your mommy's lap. You had on a beautiful baptismal gown - I think it was your great-grandpa's. You were sleeping. You were such a good sleeper. You could sleep anywhere (I was jealous. My baby didn't do that). 

As you lay there, asleep, I watched you and your mommy as the rest of the congregation listened to the sermon and watched the video. Your mommy was touching you - trailing her finger across every tiny feature of your beautiful little face - from the bridge of your nose down to the tip of that cute little button. Then, tracing the outline of your pink lips. Her fingers stopped at your chin, feeling the groove in the center (you got that from your daddy). I watched as she traced your jawline up to your perfect ear, following every ridge and crevice. She ran her hands along your neck, rubbed the back of your head and pet your hair. 

 As I watched this seemingly ordinary moment between you and your mommy, it touched me as something more - something extraordinary. I though to myself, "She knows every inch of him. Every nook, cranny, bulge and roll of that beautiful little boy" Did I know Noela that way? I had spent countless hours staring at her, marveling at her beauty and in awe of how something so perfect had come from me, but had I ever really touched her like that? Investigating, not only with my eyes, but with my fingers? Your mommy touched you with such casual familiarity that I couldn't help but be in awe of the bond you two had and the confidence she had about being your mom. 

 I had no way of knowing that this would be the last time I would see you alive - the last opportunity I would have to hold you - no way of knowing how important that memory would be to me. I saw your mommy touch you like that again as she held you in the hospital. Her fingers knew you already, but were ever so carefully taking these last moments to feel you and to absorb you. To remember you. 

Remembering you... Most often it brings me to tears, but as I remember that morning of your baptism, it brings me joy and even a smile. I remember you Baby Declan - I always will. 

You are forever in my heart. 
Love, Aunt Jenn 
Declan and his mommy on the day of his baptism.

Jenn is a fellow blogger and you can follow her over at  She is one crafty lady and I love her!

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