I am missing Declan so much today… I can't stop thinking about all we have lost. Not just who he was, but everything he would have been. We should have a 2 year old. We should be watching the kids play with Declan and get frustrated when he steals their toys. We should be hearing belly laughs and whinny cries… we should be watching fat fingers turn pages of a tractor book and getting wet kisses. We should have more, we should be more… this isn't the life I envisioned and frankly, it sucks. Death has robbed us of the future we deserve. There are still times I ask myself, "why us?" Why not someone else? What did we do wrong? I read horrific stories of child abuse and neglect and I stop and ask "Seriously!?!? Those sick people have living children, but Declan had to die?! Where is the fairness is that?" Then I remember the line I have said too many times to count, "Life isn't fair and rarely does it make sense." Life is not fair. Life is NOT FAIR! The very fact that it is not fair, is SO NOT FAIR!! Unfairness is a hard lesson to learn.
I find myself in a place again of discontentment… wanting to somehow make our future what it was supposed to be. Wanting to fill the hole that is left and to feel like all is right again. Here is where I am confronted with the "Great Divide" that I have talked about in the past…The heart vs the brain. My heart is wanting something, someONE, so badly right now that it is winning the battle of logic with my brain! My brain knows nothing will fill that hole. My brain knows that bad things happen to good people and that's just a fact of life… but my heart is hurting so much that it is tricking my common sense into believing something I do or change will make life right again… And life won't ever be what I believed it would be. I had the life I wanted. Now, I have to learn to want (and be ok with) the life I have… the one without my baby.