Thursday, December 5, 2013

His birthday…

So, November 18th was our dear Declan's birthday.  He would have been two… I expected to have a ton of things to say about it.  I expected the day to be something different then what is was.  However, it was a strange day.  It has taken me this long to wrap my thoughts around it.  I had the day off.  I had envisioned Nate and I doing something special, something in memory of him, something to elevate my sour mood… but Nate ended up having to work and I found myself home alone, by myself.   I tried to sleep in, I tried to force my eyes shut, but getting up at 5:15 every morning makes it almost impossible to sleep past 7am, which is sleeping in I guess.  I laid there, wondering what I should do.  What would make the day special… what would make me feel like I was honoring him in someway?  I came up with nothing.  I found myself watching the final episode of Spartacus… blood and guts and gore… At the end, if your familiar with the story, most of the main characters die, a fairly gruesome death that seem unfitting since they were simply fighting for the right to be free.   I broke down at how unfair life is and clearly has always been.  Good people dealing with unfairness and broken hearts… it doesn't seem right.   I found myself sympathizing with these slaves/rebels and thinking to myself if only there was someone I could fight, someone I could blame for the burden I have been forced to carry.  If only I could carry my ax into battle to make someone pay for my broken heart and broken life…but there is no one.  No one did this to us, no one took our sons life… it's the unlucky hand we were dealt.   Even if there were someone to hurl my pain at, it would not change the fact that he is gone from this world.   It would not make my broken spirit better. It would not mend my broken heart.  Anger and rage are easy pits to allow yourself to fall in to, but are not healthy places to be.  I think I have worked really hard at not letting the unfairness of his death, the pain of losing him turn me into someone I am not… I don't thrive in those negative feelings.   I need happy, I need love, I need joy… I need to see the world as a beautiful place and to know that there is still good out there.   I laid there for awhile, feeling sorry for myself…then I realized I needed to get out of bed.  I needed to shower, I needed to get dressed and develop a plan for what to do with myself. I decided to call up a dear friend and see if she would have lunch with me.  She is also a survivor of child loss and has become a huge source of support for me.  We chatted, we laughed and we cried… but she's the type of friend who makes you comfortable with your tears and ok with being a mess out in public!   Late afternoon, an unexpected surprise arrived at our door in the form of an angel… referring to both the cookies and the friend who delivered them!

Specially made for us… with Declan's name on them!  As cute as they are, I expected them to taste bad, but no, there were amazing! They were SO SO good. 

It was exactly what I needed on that day… a reminder that Declan and his life have touched many peoples hearts.    

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