Monday, December 23, 2013


I'm sitting in my office, it's 3:30… very few people are in the building today.   I'm one of 4 other people who chose to come in and get some work done before the holiday.  Its cold out today, below 0 in fact.  I have a sweater on my lap, my heater on high next to me and the lights off.  The sun is just starting to set and the glow in my office from the rays of sunshine is very peaceful.   I am in a debbie-downer kind of mood…. or maybe, more accurately, it's the first time this December that I have had a moment of quiet to reflect on me and the ache of my own heart and it hurts to be in this place… this moment that I can't out-run my sadness.  I can't laugh it away by being silly with the kids, I can't zone out of it by reading a book or watching some mindless TV show.  I am stuck facing it.  Which I know I have to do anyway, I might as well do it when I am by myself.  It's funny how over time grieving feels better when I am by myself.  It feels more authentic, more real and true to how I want to feel.  There is no one to ask if I am ok… there is no one to misinterpret my tears… no one to make uncomfortable with my sadness. Just me and my brokenness… the me I try to hide, the me I don't let people see.  The me I am not comfortable with, but am slowly learning to accept.  ME… and no one else… these are the moments when grief can be the most overwhelming.   The moments when my own anger and self-pity gang up on me and try to break me again.   But… true to the way God has surprised me and supported me through this journey thus far, he is at it once again.  When my tears begin blurring my vision and making their slow decent down my cheeks, a song pops on and the words speak to me…and like so many other times, it FITS this moment and reminds me that I am NEVER alone… I am NEVER without Him and his endless love.  The song is called Worn, by Tenth Avenue North… here are the first few verses.

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 
I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the aches of a broken life
All thats dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn
I know I need 
To lift my eyes up 
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

I mean really… how does He do it?  How does he know when I can't take much more?   It makes me wonder if my own little angel is watching and seeing me hurting?  I can envision him tugging at the robes of Jesus saying, 'my mommy needs you.'   What a beautiful picture I just painted in my mind…

Listen for yourself… it's such a great song! 

     Worn, Tenth Ave North 

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