Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Out of the mouths of babes...

The other day, Courty and I stopped out to the cemetery to visit Dex's grave.  It is always hard for me to be there, but I like being there... if that makes any sense.  On our way back into town, I was crying and here is the conversation that ensued: Courty, "Why are you sad?" I said, "I miss your brother Declan." Courty "Well he's gone now mom." Me, "I know Courty." Courty "Declan died mom." Me, "Yes, I know that."   Her tone indicated she clearly thought I should not be sad anymore.  It was as if she was trying to say 'Get over it'.   She has always been rather blunt about his death and it has caused me to giggle on a few occasion as it usually shocks the heck out of the person she is talking to... but most of the time she is simply stating that this terrible happened to us and that she is sad about it.   This felt different to me, it wasn't her processing the situation or anything like that... it really felt like she thought I should be done being sad, that I should get over it.  Bless her little heart... I know she wasn't trying to be hurtful or mean, she just thinks its time for mom to be done being sad.  If it only it were that easy, I guess I could say it's different...  the pain has changed over the past 9 months.  Nate and I rarely cry in each others arms at night any more... I can make it the whole way home after work without crying the entire way... I can get through a church service without having silent tears run down my cheeks.  I can look at babies around Declan's age without choking up, although I sometimes still get jealous and I sometimes still wonder why not someone else? Slowly Nate and I are figuring out what this life of ours will look like since Declan's passing... slowly we are learning how to pick ourselves up, dust off the dirt and move forward.  Later on the same day as my conversation with Courty, she sat down looking very defeated and she said, "I miss Delcan."  Even at three years of age, she struggles with holding on and letting go... being sad, yet not letting it get the best of her.  Grief affects all... not always in the same way, but it affects us all.  Together, the four of us are getting the pieces to this puzzle figured out. It just takes time.

About the same time as this conversation was happening with Courty, Noah decided he wanted to create a new cross for Declan's grave... he and Papa worked hard at getting a new one to look as cool as the one he made back in May.  The two of them set out to find the perfect size sticks, they drilled a hole in one stick and whaa-laaa they had made a pretty great cross.  We went out to his grave together, in the rain and mist and put it in its place.

Noah getting the cross in the right spot.

Noah and Papa hammering in the cross so it can withstand the long winter.

The Finished Product... it looks great! 

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