Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Enjoying the little things.

Its that time of year when all I hear from Noah is "when are we going to carve our pumpkins?"  I have a love/hate relationship with pumpkin carving... I enjoy doing it with the kids, but almost always, I end up being the one to finish it up... also I hate doing them to early in the season because they get so ugly and gross after a week or so and I like them to look their best on Halloween night... that's just one of my quirks.   But this year... I just didn't have the desire to do it at all.  I can remember carving pumpkins last year and talking about 'next year' we will have a baby with us.  'Next year the baby will have a pumpkin'... next year is here, and as you know, our baby is not.  There is a lot of pain and sadness around those 'first' that happen during the first year of loss... this was suppose to be his first Halloween. I have seen some cute little outfits and have said to myself, 'that's what I would have gotten Declan.'  We wish he was here with us so badly... even in the midst of my pain and my desire to do away with the holidays, I have to remember that these are memories my kids will have forever.  These are traditions that they deserve.  I am not selfish enough to deny them the pleasure of carving pumpkins and 'celebrating' Halloween... there are more important things in this life than me.  Tell that to my grief...

We did carve our pumpkins tonight.  I am glad we did, because it was a fun experience for all of us.  A great memory that I will hold with me for a long time....

CoCo Bean and Daddy getting her pumpkin ready.  She cleaned the pumpkin out all by herself... with a little help from mom. 

 Noah chose to carve a difficult 'mummy' face on his pumpkin.  I drew it on the pumpkin and he literally carved the whole thing by himself.  He did an amazing job!  He stuck at it for two hours!

Here are the kids finished products.  Nate clearly did all of CoCo Beans, but she takes full credit.  :) Doesn't Noah's mummy face look great!? 

I even felt moved enough to do a pumpkin for Declan.  I think that is how I have to approach these events... figure out how I can incorporate him into everything we do.  How can we enjoy ourselves and  still remember him?  It's a daily battle! 

Our finished products.  I think they turned out pretty cool.

How I wish things were different... how I wish Declan was with us.  I will wish this until I take my last breath, but while I am here, I must figure out how to take pleasure in the small things and give myself permission to smile, to laugh and to live.    

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