Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I will carry you

"I will praise the One who's chosen me to carry YOU."  

Sometimes music has a way of saying exactly what I want to say... sharing feelings I've felt, but wasn't sure how to express them.  Music has been an important factor in my healing since losing Declan.  I heard this song,"I will carry you" at Monday nights memorial service.  The words rang  true to me... there were photographs I had wanted to take of my three kids... there were traditions I wanted to show him... there were so many plans that I had... to be a family of 5... to have two sons... to be able to say to Nate "have fun with the boys" as they left to go hunting...   I have been living in a world of pain I didn't know could exist. I have tried to put on a brave face, I try to remind myself that life is full of wonder and beauty and even though my world has been turned upside down there are still good things here.  Life continues... that is what I often times can't believe.  Death doesn't end anything for the living... in fact, it is just a beginning... it is the start of a long road to hell and back.... it is the beginning of discovering your inner strength... it is the firsts of 'before he passed' and 'after he passed' comments.... it is the beginning of a self-discovery process you didn't realize you would ever go through.   I think about him daily... I think about the fact that he isn't here... I see other people with their babies and I get momentarily jealous... I just want to pick those little ones up and tell their mommy's to hold on tight... to savor EVERY never take for granted their presence in your life. If only I could carry my baby one more time.   I wish... but I know I will carry him again... in heaven and in reality I do carry him here on my heart.  He will always be a part of me and I will give praise to the ONE who chose me to be his mommy! I can't imagine anyone else doing that job for him... I can't imagine saying it would have been easier to never have had him - the hurt would have not happened, but the love and joy that he brought us and continues to bring us far outweigh the pain... I am so blessed to be the one chosen to be Declan's mom.  I wish I could have had him longer, but am I so blessed to have had three months with him.

I will carry you ~ Selah 

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but i'm not
Truth is i'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says

i've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One who's chosen Me
To carry you

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