I can not believe that Sunday is Declan's birthday. I can't stop thinking about where we were a year ago... or where we should be now. I can't stop feeling sorry for myself. I can't stop wishing it was different... and a completely irrational voice in my heart continues to think this will somehow change and he will somehow come back to me. I am still in disbelief at the finality of it... of death. I am trying to accept his passing as truth, but my heart is continuing to say "STOP... don't believe it!" I find there are times now when I start to think about his passing and I find myself shaking my head and thinking, 'I don't want to think about that right now.' Not in a manner that I am trying to forget, but like thinking about it makes it real again... like I have to re-expereince the pain, the hurt, and the numbness all over. For the first few months, I lived with half of my head constantly lost in thoughts about him and his passing and reliving that day over and over again... and I was ok with it! I wanted it that way. Now I don't know where I am at... I like to think about my sweet little man often, but sometimes the thoughts about his death are too much...they hurt more than I want to hurt... I am trying to come to terms with the idea that fairy tales don't always have happy endings, but that doesn't mean the story wasn't worth hearing or in my case, living. I am trying to cope and figure out what tomorrow will bring. I am trying to identify who the new me is... I am figuring out how to walk this path, travel this journey and come out a better person because of him... I am trying "to learn to dance in the rain" as that sayings goes.... I just really hate being wet.