Worn

I'm sitting in my office, it's 3:30… very few people are in the building today.   I'm one of 4 other people who chose to come in and get some work done before the holiday.  Its cold out today, below 0 in fact.  I have a sweater on my lap, my heater on high next to me and the lights off.  The sun is just starting to set and the glow in my office from the rays of sunshine is very peaceful.   I am in a debbie-downer kind of mood…. or maybe, more accurately, it's the first time this December that I have had a moment of quiet to reflect on me and the ache of my own heart and it hurts to be in this place… this moment that I can't out-run my sadness.  I can't laugh it away by being silly with the kids, I can't zone out of it by reading a book or watching some mindless TV show.  I am stuck facing it.  Which I know I have to do anyway, I might as well do it when I am by myself.  It's funny how over time grieving feels better when I am by myself.  It feels more authentic, more real and true to how I want to feel.  There is no one to ask if I am ok… there is no one to misinterpret my tears… no one to make uncomfortable with my sadness. Just me and my brokenness… the me I try to hide, the me I don't let people see.  The me I am not comfortable with, but am slowly learning to accept.  ME… and no one else… these are the moments when grief can be the most overwhelming.   The moments when my own anger and self-pity gang up on me and try to break me again.   But… true to the way God has surprised me and supported me through this journey thus far, he is at it once again.  When my tears begin blurring my vision and making their slow decent down my cheeks, a song pops on and the words speak to me…and like so many other times, it FITS this moment and reminds me that I am NEVER alone… I am NEVER without Him and his endless love.  The song is called Worn, by Tenth Avenue North… here are the first few verses.

I'm tired

I'm worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 
I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the aches of a broken life

All thats dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

I know I need 

To lift my eyes up 

But I'm too weak

Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left…

I mean really… how does He do it?  How does he know when I can't take much more?   It makes me wonder if my own little angel is watching and seeing me hurting?  I can envision him tugging at the robes of Jesus saying, 'my mommy needs you.'   What a beautiful picture I just painted in my mind…

Listen for yourself… it's such a great song! 

     Worn, Tenth Ave North 

His birthday…

So, November 18th was our dear Declan's birthday.  He would have been two… I expected to have a ton of things to say about it.  I expected the day to be something different then what is was.  However, it was a strange day.  It has taken me this long to wrap my thoughts around it.  I had the day off.  I had envisioned Nate and I doing something special, something in memory of him, something to elevate my sour mood… but Nate ended up having to work and I found myself home alone, by myself.   I tried to sleep in, I tried to force my eyes shut, but getting up at 5:15 every morning makes it almost impossible to sleep past 7am, which is sleeping in I guess.  I laid there, wondering what I should do.  What would make the day special… what would make me feel like I was honoring him in someway?  I came up with nothing.  I found myself watching the final episode of Spartacus… blood and guts and gore… At the end, if your familiar with the story, most of the main characters die, a fairly gruesome death that seem unfitting since they were simply fighting for the right to be free.   I broke down at how unfair life is and clearly has always been.  Good people dealing with unfairness and broken hearts… it doesn't seem right.   I found myself sympathizing with these slaves/rebels and thinking to myself if only there was someone I could fight, someone I could blame for the burden I have been forced to carry.  If only I could carry my ax into battle to make someone pay for my broken heart and broken life…but there is no one.  No one did this to us, no one took our sons life… it's the unlucky hand we were dealt.   Even if there were someone to hurl my pain at, it would not change the fact that he is gone from this world.   It would not make my broken spirit better. It would not mend my broken heart.  Anger and rage are easy pits to allow yourself to fall in to, but are not healthy places to be.  I think I have worked really hard at not letting the unfairness of his death, the pain of losing him turn me into someone I am not… I don't thrive in those negative feelings.   I need happy, I need love, I need joy… I need to see the world as a beautiful place and to know that there is still good out there.   I laid there for awhile, feeling sorry for myself…then I realized I needed to get out of bed.  I needed to shower, I needed to get dressed and develop a plan for what to do with myself. I decided to call up a dear friend and see if she would have lunch with me.  She is also a survivor of child loss and has become a huge source of support for me.  We chatted, we laughed and we cried… but she's the type of friend who makes you comfortable with your tears and ok with being a mess out in public!   Late afternoon, an unexpected surprise arrived at our door in the form of an angel… referring to both the cookies and the friend who delivered them!

Specially made for us… with Declan's name on them!  As cute as they are, I expected them to taste bad, but no, there were amazing! They were SO SO good. 

It was exactly what I needed on that day… a reminder that Declan and his life have touched many peoples hearts.    

Giving Back

I have lots of mixed emotions this month…. November 18th will be Declan's 2nd birthday.  I have been trying to imagine all the things little two year olds are into these days.  Trucks, tractors, Thomas the train… he'd be potty training, walking and talking and annoying his big brother and sister…. he would be pulling Murray's tail and laughing at his reaction.  Those are the things we are missing out on…. those are the dreams we've lost.

In honor of our sweet boy's 2nd birthday, we decided to do something for someone else.  We want to give back to the very place that helped us realize how to take the first steps towards healing and acceptance.  A place that we hold so near and dear to our hearts… Faith's Lodge.  People have asked 'what about it was special?' and I honestly can't explain.  I think a big part of it was being with other people who had experienced a loss… and a sense of completely being able to let your guard down because no one was going to be insensitive or say something offensive… I think it was about not needing to pretend you were ok… I think it was about an understanding of perspectives.   Whatever it is, it's not understandable to someone who hasn't lost a child… and for those who have, it is tough to get because it feels so risky to put yourself and your emotions out there, and less face it, it seems almost to "kumbayaish" and not normal.  BUT for us, we had no where to go and nothing to lose… and it was a beautiful experience for us.

http://www.faithslodge.org

Please join us in raising our goal of $500 for Faith's Lodge and the families that visit there who are looking to find a little hope again.

Please follow the link below to our very own fundraising page, called "Declan's Dreamers".   We will be raising funds now until February 16th… Both Nathan and I sincerely thank you for your donation.  I can promise you that every cent earned will make a difference in someone else's journey!

http://givemn.razoo.com/story/Declan-S-Dreamers 

With much love and appreciation,
Holle

The struggle…

Often times I get caught up in my own 'yuck'… I let my thoughts drift to, "This is too much for me"  I start feeling overwhelmed and inept at being me… I wonder how I got to this place in my life.  I start thinking about being 'done' with everything… being done with grief,  done with being married,  done with parenting, done with working… done being ME.  There are times when it is just is too much (before you get concerned, I am not talking about suicide!!).  Like I think if I could just take a break from chaotic mornings and busy evenings and escape reality for just a brief bit… my perspective might change.  Maybe…  but maybe it wouldn't.  I am starting to think that grief plays more of a role in my life than I realize.  I wonder and I ask myself… was I always so dramatic and quick to say, "this is too much!" For those who know me well, I am not talking about my tendency to be a drama queen, I know full well I can be one of those!  But lately it feels like any thing that feels stressful or negative almost drives me into hysteria.  I stop and think no one deserves to put up with me… my kids deserve more. Wouldn't you think that after losing one child, I would be the epitome of a good mom! I would be attentive and kind and gentle… pretty sure gentle is not a word my children would use to describe me at the current moment in time… it would probably be more like unpredictable…. I think grief is my biggest problem with all of this…grieving mucks up the mind, plays tricks on your heart and confuses me…  as I have mentioned before I struggle with feeling like I don't know who I am since he passed away, making it hard to feel centered and rational… I struggle with finding myself in this journey.  I struggle coming to terms with Declan's death… I think I might have finally accepted that it is real, but now that means figuring out what life means… moving forward and keeping his memory alive, yet living in the present… it's messy and hard… it is the ugly reality of coming to terms with what death does to the living.   It makes you question everything you thought you knew…

As far as 'being done' with everything… well, what are my options with that?  The only one that works for me is sticking to it, working on what it means to be me and figuring life out again.   Its sucks sometimes… a lot of the time, but I do believe that this will only make me stronger and that it will get easier.  For now, I know that I am ok with just being who I am… whatever that means.

Identity crisis...

You know those moments when you are sitting in church and the sermon literally is speaking to YOU... when you look around the church, wondering if anyone is staring at you, because clearly Pastor is talking about you directly!? It almost feels like a personal invasion at first, like you want to stand up and ask, "how did you know?" well I had that moment last night!  I shed tears on and off through out the sermon (yes, I am that girl who openly cries at church) and left with my mind racing and my heart pondering...

The question was/is "who am I?"  Not 'tell me about yourself... what are your likes and dislikes, where do you live' but "Who.... am... I?!"  Since losing Declan, I have struggled with this... I've been experiencing an identity crisis.  What is true is that I am different.  I have a "before" and "after" version of myself.  If someone had asked me who I was 2 years ago I would have confidently answered "I am an educator, a mother, a wife and a friend."   I would have answered that based on where I spent my time and my energy.   I knew who I was... I knew what I was good at and how to live in a manner that complemented that.  I held my head high and felt like I had life figured out.   I was loud, daring, adventurous and dare I say, even kind of funny.  I laughed easy, smiled frequently and thought I was indestructible.

When Declan died all that changed.  I have felt very much like my identity is wrapped up in his death.  For at least the first year, I had nothing else to say about me... I was a grieving mother.  What else was there for anyone to know?! Why would it matter what I did for a job?  Why would anyone need to know if I have other children?  And yes, I am married... but that DOESN'T CHANGE the fact that my child died.  Everything seemed second to that.... I could not see past his death.  I had no room to be anything else...  His death was who I was....

As I sat in church, thinking about how I would answer that question now, I came up blank.  I don't know who I am.  I don't know how to be me and a grieving mother.   I am a work in progress maybe... still trying to figure out how to move through his death without letting his death be me...  but I am treading in unfamiliar territory... not sure what steps I need to take.

But then Pastor said, "Who am I?" is the wrong question to be asking....we should be asking "whose I am?" What makes me special goes beyond WHO I AM... it's WHOSE I am that defines me.   Once I turn my identity to being a child of God, than the pressure to be the perfect grieving mother, the best mother to my living children, the greatest wife is taken away and I realize that I can be content with being 'a work in progress'. Who I am?? In a nutshell... I am a child of God and everything else is second to that.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine." Isaiah 43:1

* I must give Pastor Heiden credit for being the inspiration for this post.  Beyond my internal struggle in identifying who I am since Declan's death, he helped me put a perspective on this that I hadn't thought about. Thank you Pastor!  :) 

the Wave of light...

In 1998, Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month.  October 15th is the day that grieving families and friends who support them are invited to light a candle in remembrance of our children who left our lives too soon.  As we prepare for tomorrow and how we can honor Declan, I invite you to also light a candle at 7pm.  Light it for Declan or light it for another child... it's up to you. But please, help shatter the silence that surrounds pregnancy and infant loss! One in 4 woman will experience the extreme pain of losing a child. 

Today, for us, it also marks the 1 year and 8 month anniversary of Declan's angel date... 

It is so hard to believe he's been gone that long... that my life has been turned upside down and flipped around for that long.  There are days when I would consider myself 'good'.  There are times when I think I am getting my life is some order that I can live with.  There are also times that I feel my world is crumbling at my feet... days when I can't even begin to comprehend what has happened to me.  Then, to be truthful, there are moments that I can't even remember having had him.... I feel ashamed to admit that... how could a mother ever forget her baby?  I have no answer except that time is my ultimate thief... time steals my memories and makes me feel like I am always in such a rush that I don't have "time" to grieve.  

I knew it would happen that I would forget the sound of his voice... what he smelled like.... if only I had caught his perfection in a video, but I know I would watch it over and over... and it would become something more than just a video, like an idol.   

I wish I wasn't living this life... I wish I was not a grieving mother... I wish our family was just like yours.  If only wishes could come true.   BUT... we are living this life the best we can, we try to live each day to it's fullest.  We try to see the beauty that God has surrounded us with...  I try to hold my head up high, embracing this stupid challenge with grace and dignity.  There will come a point in my life when my children look back and start understanding the 'bigness' of our loss and I want them to see that their mother and father rose above the situation to become something better than they were prior to his death. 

A part of me did die with my sweet Declan... but we are working hard at making sure what we rebuild in its place honors his precious memory and will make him proud! 

Please consider joining us tomorrow night at 7pm, lighting a candle in memory of our son and in honor of all families struggling through the loss of their little ones. 

Remembering...

October is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month, I've also heard it referred to as SIDS awareness month... either way, I am 'participating' in this....not sure what that means and how I will choose to honor my sweet Boy.... I haven't gotten it all figured out, but I know I will be doing something. 

As part of my journey, I have found great comfort in reading other mother's blogs.  I am comforted by their words and oddly enough, their pain... it helps me to know, I am not alone.  I know of mother's who have no desire to connect with other grieving families, but for me it has been instrumental in my process... I personally see child loss as such a lonely journey... people either don't know what to say to you or how to support you or are overwhelmed with their own emotions and they don't want to "upset" you more.... so finding other mothers who understand what it really is like, helps me.  I enjoy reading a blog called Carly Marie, Project Heal.  She lost her son, Christian in 2007.  She has been sharing her journey with the world through many different projects and one of them is called "Capturing your Grief" and is a photographic challenge to promote healing and personal growth.  So... long story short I will be doing this challenge this month.  To read more about Christian's story and follow Carly Marie, here is her blog link: http://carlymarieprojectheal.com

Here is my first photo... the sunrise.  It's a little blurry due to how far I had to zoom to really capture these beautiful deer, but the essence remains the same.... A mother deer, with her two babies... enjoying the beans in the field and being at peace with the world.  

The interesting thing about this photo is that I stopped almost in the same place the day Declan died and took a picture of the sunrise.  For many months after he had passed I lost my ability to see God's beauty in my every day life...  my world was bleak and instead of seeing the dancing colors of our magnificent surroundings, I saw grays and muted, dull, lifeless colors... I remember wondering once if I would ever be in awe of nature again or if I was now sentenced to a life of sadness and boringness.   

I have however, recaptured that joy... the joy in the nothingness that is God's splendorous creation.