We arrived at Children's hospital around 12:30. As far as I was told, Declan did well on the trip. I remember praying the whole helicopter ride for Declan's little brain to not have any damage. I was still thinking that Declan would survive at this point. Delusional thinking on my part looking back, but as a mother I couldn't let myself think the worst.... for my own mental stamina, I had to think this was going to get better. We were met by the CHARGE nurse and a hospital chaplain. I was not able to escort Declan any further than the main entry way... I was taken to a room to sit with a social worker and the chaplain, who later would become a comfort for us, but at the time just sat there staring at me making me feel self conscious. I didn't realize how alone I felt having these two women looking at me until Nate's uncle Brian walk by our room!! It was such a relief to have family with me. While we waited for Nate, his parents and Courtlynn to arrive, the chaplain was our 'spy'. She would go check what was going on and update us as best she could. Shortly after Nate arrived, we had a meeting with Dr. Hoogerland. My first impressions was that she was a bit cold and emotionless. She was very matter of fact and direct. Informing us that while Dex received CPR, blood flow was not sufficient for his brain and the damage was intense. IF he survived it would be "disastrous". She believed that he would never walk or talk or even eat on his own. Not what we wanted to hear, nor what we were fully able to comprehend... Nate and I just held on to each other and cried. Wondering why this was happening to us. Almost sick with the realization that we had no control over the situation or that we were unable to help our child. We were finally able to see him and for the second time during the day, I was unprepared to walk into his room and see him lying in the regular size hospital bed with tubes coming out of his mouth and nose... he looked SO small and so beautiful. It was hard to walk into his room, but I knew I wanted to be right by him, holding his hands and telling him how much I loved him. It was about 1:30 or 2:00. Time kind of stood still, yet flew by. There were several hours, maybe minutes, I'm not sure, where we were able to be by Declan and family and friends kept arriving to support Dex and Nate and I. At some point Dr. Hoogerland pulled Nate and I aside and we decided that if Declan's heart were to stop again, we would not resuscitate him. Shortly after that there was lots of activity by Declan's bedside and we were told that his potassium levels were on the raise, which is what happens when a body's organs start shutting down. There were doctors all around the bed and lots of shots were being given. I laid down on the couch and cried... there was nothing else to do. Dr. Hoogerland came and sat by me and started patting my back, a sure sign that things had gotten worse... Nate finally asked the doctors if they were doing all that to Declan because we hadn't asked them not to. Dr. Hoogerland, said that if we were going to continue to keep Dex alive, then these measures would have to be taken, which meant we would no longer be able to be by Declan's side. Doctors were going to have to continue to inject him with medicine to try and bring down his potassium levels. Nate and I then made the one of the hardest decisions, and that was to stop trying to get the potassium levels down and just let Declan be... we wanted his last hours in our world to be ones that were not painful, but were filled with love and where he could be cuddled up in our arms. The staff then came and cleaned him up and put fleece blankets on the bed and we were able to lay down by him and be right next to him. Noah, Nathan and myself took turns laying next to Declan. We even got Courty up by him and she gave him kisses. The staff came and made hand and feet molds and made footprints and handprints for us. We had a great nurse, who looked just like Amy Adams, who was so comforting and her goal was to make sure we were able to hold Declan. She pulled a chair up close and I was FINALLY able to hold my sweet little boy for the first time since the morning. It felt SO good to have him so close to me but so painful because I knew the moments would never last long enough. Noah wanted to hold him and so did daddy so we took turns, probably each one of us wishing we could have him to ourselves... I know that our entire family was there, but I couldn't even tell you where or what was happening with everyone else. I was so focused on my little guy, the world around me seemed to vanish. Again, Nate and I were forced to make another difficult decision... when to take out the ventilator. Somehow, with God's guidance, we were able to think about Declan instead of our own desires and at 9:45 we asked our family to come in: Jeff and Lynn, Jenn, Matt and Heather, uncle Brian, Court and Gayle, Lance and Aileen, and Noah. Our nurse had pulled up the couch close to Dex's bed and Nate, myself and Noah gathered each other in a close embrace and the nurse handed our sweet baby boy over to us and his doctor slowly and carefully took out his ventilator. No one spoke, silent tear streamed down our faces. It was 10pm. His little heart held on for 15 minutes before he drifted from our arms into the arms of Jesus. If I could sum up the last moments with only a few words it would be peaceful and full of love. Nate and I then brought Courty into the room who had fallen asleep with one of the child specialist and laid her down on the couch and had Noah lay down to. We were all able to take as much time with Declan as we wanted. No one left his side for a long time. Nate and I gave him a bath and were able to kiss him and touch him and just look at him. It was 1am before we finally started to think about leaving.... but how do you leave your baby in a room by himself? It was so hard to pull myself away and leave.
