Many people have asked us if we 'are ready to go back to work'... I'm not sure how to answer that. I suppose I would know if I wasn't ready, but there is nothing in me that says 'go back to work!'. I keep thinking Nate and I should be doing something to start 'healing' and 'getting ready to go back to the real world' but I'm not sure what that would be or how to even go about it. I wish there was like a handbook or a DVD training video on how to put your life back together after losing a child. I don't think there is one, because there is no right way to do it. I am hoping Nate and I are doing ok at it... we are doing the best we can. Our main focus is on Courty and Noah, trying to make sure they don't suffer any long term negative effects. Everyone seems to be doing okay during the day, but it's the nights that are so terrible. Nate and I haven't slept by ourselves once since we've been home. Last night we had both Noah and Courtlynn in our bed. I finally got up and went and slept in Noah's room, just hoping I would get a few hours of sleep. Courtlynn has been getting up at least five times a night... 'I wanna drink of water', 'I want my nookie', 'I wanna sleep with you', 'I gotta go potty', 'I wanna watch TV'... AND of course she doesn't want anyone but mommy to help her. UGH. Dragging butt today.
So here I am, at work.... not many people here due to the two hour late start we had... wishing I was at home with Nate, still sleeping, not knowing for sure if this is a good idea or not. Already had two hugs and one visitor. Got knots in my stomach and am not sure what to say when people ask "how are you?" Do they want the truth or the ol' standby "I'm fine." ??? Then there is the idea of actually working... I've got piles of paperwork sitting here, staring at me. It once seemed so important, but now it doesn't.