The disconnect

Living with the knowledge that you have a 'hole' in your heart is hard...I am always aware of the hurt. It doesn't leave.  There are times, thank God that I can laugh and take pleasure in simple things.  There are times when I can be upbeat, cheerful and energetic. There are other times, like right now, when I have 'butterflies' (for lack of a better word) in the pit of my stomach.  It is a similar feeling that I remember having in high school, when you suspected your relationship was in trouble and it just felt icky.... it is knowing you can't have something (in my case, someone) that you want...Knowing again, that you have no control over your situation.  I think that must take time to fully sink in.... cuz my head gets it.... my heart is lagging behind.  There is disconnect between my mind and my heart often!  I often find myself feeling one way - like my heart asking WHY?! - and my mind saying, "there is no why and even if there was, you would still miss him!"  I know.  The words are there, I repeat them over and over...I know these things to be true, BUT that doesn't stop the heart from aching... that doesn't stop the tears from falling... that doesn't do anything for me right now.  I think there will come day when what I know to be true... there is no why, there are no 'what-if's', we all have a set number of days on earth, Declan would have died even if I had held him every day of his life.... will actually bring comfort.  The very logical side of me is hoping that day comes sooner than later, but my emotional side is unable to go there yet.  When I am having a 'stuck day' like I am today, with the ickys living in pit of my tummy I try to remember that I'm not the only one who has heartache in their life, I'm not the only one who is sad... there are things in my life I am thankful for.  However, I also believe its ok to have sad days.  The hard part is having a sad day without letting it consume my thoughts and my actions...